extreme?

my last post might have been slightly over reacting... but im still upset.

I will try harder not to be a "lazy bitchy manipulative mooching good for nothing" person- but i am also loosing respect for "them" a bit more every day. Mostly cause I have to be this perfect person for them and they dont have to try AT ALL - just me... and then every thing will be ok again....

I should be with Trevor right now but his car broke down. :( I told him some of the converstation i had with Ben and he got pissed off. It made me feel kinda better to have him defend me like that but i get what Ben was saying- and i kinda agree but i agree with Jesus more, I dont think they should be judging me based on my actions or inactions. So they see me sitting on a couch. leave for 3-5 hours and im still there when they come back.... what they cant know is if i went for a walk, Aplied to stores on line, or did laundry (oh wait probably not that cause they are ALWAYS hogging the machines so no one else can do it so yeah im probably not doing laundry). I mean good grief...

Its like this in my head: They treat me like crap by only listening to 1/2 of what i say and judging me (wrongly) based on that- so i stoped telling them stuff. The fact that im not open and honest with them makes them not trust me and like me less which in turn makes them judge me harsher.... see the never ending vicious cycle and how its ALL my fault and they are the completely innocent party? (if so explain ti to me cause im so lost)


I cant get how they can be right about me.... but then i look at how my friends just leave me, or walk away or even slip away as if im just a after thought and i cant say they are wrong. Not that i expect my friends to always be there (trust me i expect you to have a life, and live it to its fullest and not think of me for days on end- its ok) But when months go by and i see all these updates on facebook and people leaving wall messages about "oooo i need to talk to you i have a big news" and when i ask how life is i get nothing or "im busy sorry." or "i got alot on my mind right now, i will talk to you later"


I cant even get my own family to like me why should any one else?




Maybe its late but im back to the stage where i want to shove everyone away from me cause i think they will just want to leave me in the next few years anyways. :(

so ha!

Well its been confirmed...

I knew the voices where right- i heard from my own brother...

Im bitchy, Im rude mean, and not a very nice person. They honestly dont respect or trust me. In short they dont like me.....


When i see trevor next I will talk with him about just moving in.... i cant live with people that dont like me. I TOLD everyone they didnt want me around... they didnt like me... now i have prof!!!!


Have i been kinda bitchy to them, yeah.. sure but thats cause MOUSE has been bitchy to me and im sick of being nice, sick of being who she wants me to be. so i get uptight and they get the brunt of my anger (only when they piss me off... not just at no time for no reason).

I am also lazy... they never once stop to think that maybe one of the things im doing on my computer is trying to get a job or futher my education... noooo they dont see me.. the never heard me so i MUST be just a big fat mucher who has nothing to offer anyone in this family.*

Shall i add im only nice when im around trevor or when i want something... so add manipulative to the list....


I suck so badly if i wasnt leaving for this beach trip... damn stright i'd start cutting again... maybe that would get my anger out with out them getting it at all... i'd rather suffer forever then make them hurt.... But if i have to stay here with them..... then yes, im sorry but i WILL start back up.
my own family cant stand me that really really really hurts.




*a very good very vaild point has been removed cause its NOT my secret to tell... Mouse and Ben want to stop me from spreading joy when nearly everyone at church knows.... but i refuse to say a word till they say i can cause i RESPECT them..... assholes

pathetic.

Whats worse?

That i actually hate myself? or that people think when i said it i am just trying to get attention and manipulate people into feeling sorry for me?


Killing myself is a bit extreme to prove i meant it- but it would work.



If i didnt have Trevor- i could see myself starting to cut again.... but then people would freak out and get worried so i think i cant win....

Truth hurts.

Im a very selfish person.



I am so selfish i am back in the habit of hating myself again.



I dont care who gets upset, I dont care who is dissapointed, i just want to dissapear. I cant think of anyones life who would be improved by my staying around.



^see proves my point.