Lifehouse~ Somewhere inbetween

I can't be
Losing sleep over this
No I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head
But underneath my feet
Cause by tomorow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Been waiting for tomorow
I'm somewhere in between
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Dont be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Been waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream
What is real just a dream

last one picked nothing... still waiting to be picked

i remember the first.... he was adorable, kind, and always smilled. My parents loved him, he was the perfect guy. She had red hair, was also sweet and so far above me there was no way to compete. For a short time i thought i had a chance... but no. Not compared to her. Most of my life i was asked by others "why cant you be more like Amy?" I so wanted to be her... if only to be loved.

Then there was the other guy... I liked him better with long hair. He was not really all that pleasant. But i fell anyways. She also had red hair but what is more she was sweet, kind, had good taste in music, and was an artist. After they met i didnt have a chance in hell.

Now again... i can say... he is a ass... but a very amazing ass. She dosent have red hair.. but she will "please" him. So she wins. He has given her his heart and that means i lose again. Three times i get there just too late! I must say though this is the first time i lost to someone i really didnt like, or atlest get along with. i mean i can look at the red heads and see... yeah they kick ass.. i am nothing compared to them... but her... to tell myself that she is better than me. That i deserve to lose to her... I know i shouldnt compare myself to others but tell me, would you do anything differently? im not what he wants.... i cant blame anyone for that.. i know... but i just.... i dont like her... and he loves her... and if she is sooooo much better than i. how am i suppose to feel about myself?



Am i just basing my self worth on how he sees me?


IF the person you loved, or cared deeply for, loved someone you didnt like.. how would you handle it? wouldnt you start to question? Its late and i shouldnt think when its this late. I end up being too emo.

five seconds...

I just stood there staring at the screen in disbelief. Not sure what to say or think or anything. My heart stopped (which was a feat since the base line of the music tryed to make it go faster). The funny thing is im not too worried about him. I know he is a strong person and will fight. He is in God's hands and regardless of the outcome he wins. It was the sender of the txt i worry about. As the owner of the phone moved the screen out of my vision to reply to the txt all became clear.. why he tryed calling Dustin... why we couldn't understand him.... I said a prayer and got back to the band... but my mind never really left that five second period where i just stood there.

Collecting the broken pieces.

Life is?? Confusing.


I have to work in the morning and i dont have my phone.... as separat as these things might be i can explain. I got a ride from a friend today, but i believe my phone is in his car. Another person (one i work with) is suppose to pick me up tomorrow, and he said he'd call when he arrived. not possible if my phone is in someone elses car. *gah* not to meantion my alarm is set for the morning and i kinda want to get up on time :( sad day... i NEED to see if i can get the phone back tonight.


*sigh* my job is killing me. I am so stressed out and it is just taking so much out of me. Not demanding, but i feel like i cant breathe. Maybe that is normal, but i dont think so.


Friendships are hurting too. One is in a certain mood that always bugs me. and another is pushing away. I know he fears getting hurt but i havent hurt him yet. So why, if nothing changes between us, would i start? Maybe he knows something i dont. Also he is in so much pain, and i know keeping everything in will NOT be good for him. He needs to let it out. I bottle most things up but if i dont let it out i implode. Thats what will happen to him if he doesn't... but maybe i worry too much.

it's time to face the truth.... i'll never be with you.

emo post #2367248935903485982437189658427493570493


I can see so many things now, and i dont like any of them.


I am acting just like him, aren't i? I am letting him string me along for the simple fact that maybe, we have a possible future together. Even though i know he dosen't want me (and maybe part of me thinks it isn't possible for him to ever want me, but thats a different post topic). I just let him pull me along on this leash, as it kills me inside. Slowly dying because you can keep giving without getting. This is at lest how i perceive what is going on with us and him and his lover.

< By the way... if you think you know who it is i talk about on here, don't say anything to him. He asked me not to tell mutual friends about the following, and technically i haven't i just needed to post my thoughts somewhere he wouldn't see .>

Also, a couple of weeks ago... things happened that shouldn't have. I listen to lies, all of them. Not just the verbal one, or the implications of "this is my new happy place". but the ones that i found in his kisses, in the way he touched me. But the way i see it is that wasn't really him (this he has said as well). So it was all a lie, just fancy words and moves to get his smashed ass laid (it didn't work, no worries). But as for me? That wasn't me either, was it? Am i really just girl who will just lay there and let him touch me, and leave rather nice sized hickies? (hey they there on his neck for a solid week.) (<---see what i mean.. for some reason the fact i left him hickies that lasted that long makes me happy....why? shouldn't i be ashamed?)

What the @%&$ is wrong with me?


People ask me if i am ok, i tell them i will be... but sometimes i doubt it. Very highschoolish i know, things seem so screwed up that i will never be ok again. I don't think i will ever be able to give my husband a full heart. IT has been so broken, and instead of holding on to the pieces i give them away like free samples. I am greatful (in hindsight) to those who never took them, just accepted my friendship. At lest i don't have to worry about our friendship down the line.


This was longer than i meant for it to be... apologizes, i must go now *Bows* farewell.

it's only wednesday?

So i had to speak to the youth tonight. It is probably the last time i will be able to speak to them sense i talked to the acting leader tonight about just volunteering my time rather than being a full fledged sponser... it was sad... for the second time in three years of helping out i felt like he really cared. I always knew that the youth pastor cared... as well as his wife, but Michael? the only other time in three years he has looked at me with consern in his eyes was when i told him (and Tony and Susan) about my "wonderful" Christmas break. Then and there i could tell Michael cared... and again tonight... i knew without a doubt he did.

Because i talked about Jacob i had a song stuck in my head... for about two weeks on and off... the funny thing is.. i need it. This week was rough on me. Almost every line is where i am.. or at lest where i was at the begging of summer and just kinda gave up...

Closer to myself
Kendal Payne

Digging deep, I feel my conscience burn
I need to know who and what I am
This hunger jolts me from complacency
It rocks me, makes me meet myself

Jacob walked a limp to remind him
Of the greater gift of the greater one
But when I fell, I fell to my own resources
How can I carry a truth, if I can't even crawl to you?

Chorus:
I wanna feel something sweeter than this sin
Cover me in leaves and roll me over again
I've been everybody else now I wanna be
Something closer to myself

La de da de da da da
La de da de da da da
La de da de da da da
La de da de da da da

Paint me in a different light
Shed me yet another coat of skin
Mark me with ash until I'm clean again
Cause I'm so sick and tired
Of being sick and tired
I know I can love you, I know that I can

I wanna feel something sweeter than this sin
Cover me in leaves and roll me over again
I've been everybody else now I wanna be
Something closer to myself

La de da de da da da
La de da de da da da
La de da de da da da
La de da de da da da(x2)

I wanna feel something sweeter than this sin
Cover me in leaves and roll me over again
I've been everybody else now I wanna be
Something closer to myself

I wanna feel something sweeter than this sin
Cover me in leaves and roll me over again
I've been everybody else now I wanna be
Something closer to myself

Lost my sight?

I feel so dumb, but not sure why. What was wrong? Was it my timing? I really think he deserved to know. Why? not sure, but i am glad he does, but it is so complicated. There is his crap, and my crap, and i just wish that it all made sense. Why can't it be drama-less? OH well what is done is done. i just wish i knew what he meant, i wasn't thinking i won the blue ribbon but i dont even get the red, heck what am i brown (8th), do i even rank at all? if i am not 2nd best then what the hadies am i? I know its not first choice or things would be different.



moving on.... I was reading lyrics and this caught my eye... i love it.

If i could see, by HTD

You are too far from me
I can't see your face
I'm barely breathing
The image of you scattered on my mind
I can't see your clearly
Never thought I'd be this far from you
If I could only feel you near
If I could only see you clearly
Alone, nobody hears my cry
If I could only see you clearly
Feeling you near is up to me
I know these thoughts have made me far away from you
I know I need you
I know I need you
To make me whole
To bring me back
To make me whole
I know I need you
I know I need you
You're my only hope
If I could feel you near
I need you now
Never thought I'd be this far from you
If I could feel you near
If I could see you clearly
Alone, nobody hears my cry
If I could see your clearly
Feeling you near is up to me
Alone, nobody hears my cry
Feeling you near is up to me
Never thought I'd be this far from you
If I could only feel you near
If I could see you clearly
Alone, nobody hears my cry
If I could only see you clearly
Feeling you near is up to me

i am crazy...

... or maybe just dumb. Foolish to think i could talk to you about you.... but no.

There is no more you, only her. I asked about YOU cause i give a shit about you, not her. If i wanted to know how she was i would have asked "hey how is she?" not "how was your day?"



Just leave me alone please. Dont try to tell me i matter to you... you have proven time and time again that while i may matter in some areas, they are very small and i am more often over looked.



I spend so much time thinking about you, and i know you spend that time thinking about her... last night i tried to think of who on earth could possibly think of me as much as i think of you (much like I and you). Not one person came to mind.



There is probably only one person reads this, but i am not really talking to you, just so you know..... I am just using you.... *sigh* tis to late.... but i think you (the reader) get what i mean.

questioning

I dont mind the questions, they are healthy.

I will say a prayer for you, and shed some tears, then dream of you as your heart breaks so does mine.

I don't know what to tell you, for there are no words, no amount of knowledge, i feel so helpless, all i can do is sit here, and watch you strangle youself with the chains you not only made yourself, but willing put on.



I wish i could help.


I wish you knew how much i care, how much i love you.

Post # 30..... another obsure song

Escape, by Balligomingo

Wounded hands,
Wounded feet
Taken down,
Left to bleed
Forces let this go
Whispered to never know
Escape
Erase my breath
Erase my being
Everything

Wield your mastery
Mask our destiny of blind deceit
Shrouded moon
Shadowed night
My eyes
Escape

Erase my breath
Erase my being
Everything
Retrace my steps
In case you dream of me

Drag me kicking,
Screaming
Torn red,
Revealing
My escape

Erase my breath
Erase my being everything
Retrace my steps
In case you dream of me

my mind...

...is confusing to me. There are many twists, turns, and culs-de-sac. I hate having split emotions and feelings. It is almost worse than not even knowing HOW you feel about someone/something.

*deep sigh*

Life has certainly been interesting, I head back to Toccoa in less than a week. Thats really 6 days to go through my crap, sort, and and pack. make sure i have money to pay for some things (like food, car license, insurance and crap like that, oh and rent).

I am currently reading this book by two guys- it takes a different (*Gaps* more liberal) look at issues, I really like it, i wish i could highlight parts. I might just copy the pages before returning it to the library. Also thanks to the library i have acquired blue like jazz. Looking forward to it for a while. Next on the list... Velvet Elvis.


Lastly in the latest news... i have a "new" toy. note the ""... Thanks to Ebay i have a Nintendo... yes thats right... THE Nintendo, no bloody A, B, C, or D (aka DS, or 64... if your not laughing you need to go watch Star Trek NG "Relics").


Yeah that is all... Now i will go look for food and maybe watch some Firefly or something.

joy...

Tis the little things in life that make me happy... much better than death note, just when i was learning more about L... sad day... well not for Light...


http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0459.html

score points for the goblin knowing his spells....

(if your lost thats ok... this is #459... but if you start now, reading 92 a day you'll catch up before Monday's is posted, really, tis doable)

haste the day medly

I have a pain in my head... and for once im not making a pun when i say that.

I've given my heart away
To so many things
So many times I've failed
Help me stop this endless cycle
Remind me of how it can be

Take me back
I surrender all
Without you
My heart is broken

Is there anything to feel
Is it pain that makes you real
Cut me off before it kills me
Long way down, I don't think I'll make it on my own

There is nowhere I would rather be
Than in your arms
You've proven time and again who you are
I continue to run away
But you are right here
You take me back, you are right here
I am nothing that's of worth to you
Take all I have
Though I may never understand it
I won't stop believing you offer me
Another chance
A new solution
I don't understand it
But I won't stop believing


My Words Feel So Empty
My Lips Speak In Vain
Your Face Tells A Story
Of Wounds That Still Remain
Stay True To My Heart
Cast Failures To The Wind
I Hate The Way It Feels
To Know I Slipped Again

Tomorrow Holds Another Chance
Not Just To Smile But Make It Real
For What It's Worth I Won't Give Up
For Whats It's Worth I Won't Give Up

I Won't Walk Away
For What It's Worth I Won't Give Up
For What It's Worth I Won't Give Up
For Whats It's Worth I Won't Give Up



All these things coming against me
I have the choice to fall or fight
I cannot be moved
You give me the strength
Help me fight, help me fight
I'm standing so firm
I can't be moved
I'm standing so firm
I can't be moved
I will stand
I will stand
When everything falls away
I will fight this war forever
Or until I die
I will stand
I will stand
When everything falls away
I will fight this war forever
Or until I die

YOUR
WORTH
MORE
THAN
THIS!

American love
Long way down
all i have
an honest confession
When everything falls
Stitches

Gusty like the wind

I am getting into Death-note.. i would love to read to manga. Gonna look to see if i can get it from the library... I looked for Rob bell but they only had sex god... really sad... I will probably end up buying Velvet Elvis.

So i have spent way too long searching for a song... it has taken me 15 minutes (at the very lest) to find it anywhere that isnt in 30 second clips.. Im gonna have to buy it soon cause i love the cd. Just hearing the song makes me want to jump around amd pump my fists.
Here are the words...

Gusty like the wind- by Maylene and the sons of disaster. 
Distant from faces hollow and uncomfortable.
I haven't been up or down in so long, but believe me.
Depression just takes too much and I'm far to drained to give her what's due.
I live for defeat.
Find myself searching for the worst.
Take me where I need to go.
I'm much to tired to live alone.
Making a life dead on the inside.
Circulation like 65 at 5 and it never lets up.
Tomorrow I'll  forget what drove me to this paper, but I'll use it anyway.
Like the friends and family I love and ignore.
God give me a reason to love this place.
Come on just one more reason.
Making a life dead on the inside.
Circulation like 65 at 5 and it never lets up.
I'm trying to shake these bitter days but it never lets up.
Making a life dead on the inside.
Circulation like 65 at 5 and it never lets up.

I have been dealing with demons. Questions dancing in my head... mainly involoving emotions. How do i feel about situations, or those involved... What could i say? It not like i can really do anything. I don't even know if i could help things so why should i get inolved (aside from prayer?) Hmm shower time i think. I will maybe post a story on dev later.

i am loved

Some realizations from this past week...

I know i am loved. I know i am wanted, but i also know that i am not needed. I dont know if i want to be needed. No one should depend on someone else so strongly as to need them. Yet some part of me wants to be needed, wants someone to depend on me... not in a clingy way but in a.... i dont know.. is there a non-clingy i need you? *deep sigh*

Why is there this false dichotomy in my head? This isnt the only one, there are issues of the heart that need dealing with, and readjusting. I don't know what i want... anymore... there are thoughts and desires, and i know some are good and some are... well they need to change... but with all these conflicting thoughts and feelings and i just feel so messed up. Maybe that cause its so late and i am over emotional with all that is going on right now.... broken promises thrown in my face a lot.

I guess thats just life and i should get over it and stop be emo... right? Everyone goes through this kind of crap so why should i feel bad about it, i need to just grow up and get over myself.

Whatever works right?

Story time, bare with me.

At my church on Wednesday nights there is a program for kids 1st- 5th grade. It started around my 4th grade year. We learned different skills (cooking, how to tie knots, good manners. It changed every month,). At the end of one month we camped out at church, but because it was raning we slept inside. They room was really big so boys where on one side and girls on the other with the shaperons in the middle. I was getting ready for bed, trying not to stare and the cute MK i had a crush on who was just a few feet away. When my focus was broking by a friend exclaiming "WHO'S UNDERWEAR IS THIS!" Now i think you are smart enough to know i wouldn't be posting this if it wasn't mine. I grabed the article of clothing that was for the next day and ran for the bathroom, and cried.

A few weeks ago i was feeling very destructive, and only one emotional breakdown away from cutting again. Someone made a comment that cut me deeper than any blade could have. I left, and cried in the bathroom.

A couple of days ago in youth group we talked about how we handle someone hurting us, ond of the guys said (in the given situation) he would go to the bathroom to cry.... i can relate.

Why is it that the bathroom is a place of solace? A place i can go to where i can cry as much as i want but i cant cry in front of those who i know love me and will accept me? I was cut deep again. No words can tell her how much she hurt me. No scars will do justice... I cried in the bathroom again. This is the third time this SEMESTER i cried in the student center bathroom... Someone stoped me... i thought for sure he'd ask about my eyes, i had an excuse ready too(alergies) but he just wanted to know about getting a job.

i guess if it saves my flesh it really doesn't matter where i cry


**EDIT**
So this song came to me and made me almost cry again...

Jill Philips
I am

oh gently lay your head upon my chest
and I will comfort you like a mother while you rest
the tide can change so fast, but I will stay
the same through past, the same in future, same today

I am constant; I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy; I am wise
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
your heart's desires

oh weary, tired and worn, let out your sighs
and drop that heavy load you hold 'cause Mine is light
I know you through and through; there's no need to hide
I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide

'cause I am constant; I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy; I am wise
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
your heart's desires

I am constant; I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy; I am wise
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
your heart's desires

oh gently lay your head upon my chest
and I will comfort you like a mother while you rest

**End edit**

never too late.

Has a long talk with Laura yesterday about life and what has been going on the past few months as well as the past few years. Where God has brought us, and what he has brought us through. This song is one i heard a few days ago and havent been able to get it our of my head. Many times i find myself in the position of the one being sung too, but there are times when im the singer telling others to hold on.

This is not just about ending your life, it can be about ending the fight.... don't give up, cause its not too late.. its never too late.

Never too late
Three days grace.
This world will never be, What I expected
And if I dont belong, Who would have guessed it
I will not leave alone everything that I own
To make you feel like it's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say, You want to end your life
Now and again we try to just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around cuz it's not too late
It's never too late

Noone will ever see, This side reflected
And if there's something wrong, Who would have guessed it
And I have left alone, Everything that I own
To make you feel like, It's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say, You want to end your life
Now and again we try to just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around cuz it's not too late
It's never too late

The world we knew won't come back
The time we've lost can't get back
The life we had won't be ours again

This world will never be, What I expected
And if I dont belong.....

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say, You want to end your life
Now and again we try to just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around cuz it's not too late
It's never too late
Maybe we'll turn it all around cuz it's not too late
It's never too late
It's not too late, It's never too late

answer to my prayers.

So I think God is starting work in my heart some more... I am finally starting to realize that the feelings i have for my crush are real and yet... its not him i care for, but who he is, the idea of him... his attitude, and his heart for God. I went looking through some old journals of mine and found a list of things i want in a husband and yes he fit most of them... but, that fact didn't make me love him more it just help soildify that he is a good guy, and i could get along with someone LIKE him... but that doesnt mean HE is perfect for me in any way.


So yes... things in my heart are calming down, lets just hope they can stay clam.



Mean while.... things with a former crush are very cool. I can't believe that we are still friends. More than that we are almost family, and he is just about begging me not to leave. He sounds so pathetic... "I really wish you didn't have to go. I want you to stay" He is just like a little kid.... tis so sweet.

12478943234567654321345678765432

Song is stuck in head.... must listen 12478943234567654321345678765432 times to get it out.....

I'm not that girl
Idena Menzle (Wicked soundtrack)

Hands touch,
Eyes meet.
Sudden silence,
Sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be the boy,
but I'm not that girl

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl

Ever so often we long to steal to the land of what might have been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in

Blithe smile
Lithe limb
She who's whinsim
She wins him
Gold hair with a gentile curl
Thats the girl he choose
And heaven knows...
I'm not that girl

Don't wish
Don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl.
There's a girl I know,
He loves her so.....
but I'm not that girl.

emo... ansgty....

whatever i am right now tis not a good thing......

I know i am loved... i have amazing friends who put up with me. and yet... i doubt the fact that i am truly loved.... no no... see Sten loves me.... and Dan and Austin love me... im sure even Josiah does too.. but who could really love me? like deep love... none of them can make that claim...


yeah thats my only point and unless you can say yes to this... then you cant refute it (haha i win).

Losing my will to fight.....

"Clutching my cure, I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more, than any time before
I have no options left again"

This is was me around 10.... i felt the urge to either yell at the top of my lungs, or fall back to my "cure." i asked people to come and the replys where more like "whatever" so i told them i'd be there.... but even though people seemed to care they didnt so i left... yes i was kinda mad that people seemed to be in the mindset of "if you want to" and i thought by me saying i'd be there that was enough to let it sink in I WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM... but no...


so yeah... atlest im not alone anymore.... although i still feel this need to scream or break..... and the scream isnt gonna happen.

.... i am losing my will to fight....

.....to be continued.

Comatose

I hate feeling like this
I'm so tired of trying to fight this
I'm asleep and all I dream of

Is waking to you
Tell me that you will listen
Your touch is what I'm missing
And the more I hide I realize I'm slowly losing you

Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you

Chorus:
I don't wanna live
I don't wanna breathe
'les I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to you never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna dream
'cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
Waking up to you never felt so real

I hate living without you
Dead wrong to ever doubt you
But my demons lay in waiting
Tempting me away
Oh how I adore you
Oh how I thirst for you
Oh how I need you

Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you
I don't wanna live
I don't wanna breathe
'les I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to you never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna dream
'cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
Waking up to you never felt so real

Bridge: Breathing life

Waking up My eyes
Open up

Don't leave me alone

Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you
I don't wanna live
I don't wanna breathe
'les I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to you never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna dream
'cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
Waking up to you never felt so real

When your world is falling through...

.... and you don't know what to do...

In light of all the crappy things that have happened many people have spoken truth into my life and these songs came to mind... so i went digging for it and found them.

Tell me what you see
There in the mirror
Please tell me why your crying
Do you still believe, that somebody hears you when you
Well, don't let you're dreams just die

If you believe in one thing, one thing is true

I know that when God thinks of you
His love is the sky
and you shine like the sun
I know that you think that you're hopeless
I know I'm right
In God's eyes, you shine like the sun.

Everybody knows
Time as it goes
Changes the way we're feeling
When we feel estranged
God's love remains
So we don't have to be afraid

If you believe in one thing, one thing is true

I know that when God thinks of you
His love is the sky
and you shine like the sun
I know that you think that you're hopeless
I know I'm right
In God's eyes, you shine like the sun.

You shine... you shine... you shine like the sun.
You shine... you shine... you shine like the sun.

If you believe in one thing, one thing is true

I know that when God thinks of you
His love is the sky
and you shine like the sun
I know that you think that you're hopeless
I know I'm right
In God's eyes, you shine like the sun.

...DON'T GIVE UP NOW!



(Ash Mundae~ Don't give up, In God's eyes)

long week.

so many dumb things i do.... So i didnt think about footwear before leaving for the show. I deffantly lost my shoes when the mosh broke out. then some guy (yes i know it was a guy) stepped on my foot. yeah hurt a lot. Also in the mosh Dan grabed Sten, and she grabed me but Michael got lost... we finally found him but it twas funny. This guy during the same band kept putting his arm out [around me] when ever someone came close to me.

During Autum to ashes we sat in purgatory and talked. Michael and i had a good convo about random things (one very good talk about the past, and stupid things said... so maybe he understands why i was so hurt by him in the past). One thing for sure... that dream i had about him liking me is seeming more and more dumb. I have a hard time believing he likes me at all... so that is a big relief. But i wont soon forget the look in his eyes when i told him all that he forgot he said that fateful day.

later i slept on the way back and now my neck is really hurting...

On the bright side many good pictures where taken.... good times to be remembered... ;)



Those who couldn't make it where missed, i understand that things came up.... y'all are still loved.

sad day.

So today was mediocre for me.... not horrible, but not good.

A classmate stopped by work tonight to tell me how the debate went.

then i got to talk to a few other friends, (one of which told me he was having a rough night).

but the end of this evening was my amazing roommate's night.


I hate being powerless to help... all i can do is sit and and listen to a broken heart. I know that things will get better, and i know just listening will help but... i hate not being able to help those i love.

Out of touch im going out of my mind

I think i might be stressed out.... i dont really feel it much, but i can feel the onset of a migrain, and my appeite has been Skizo since lunch. I am hungry but whenever i take a bite i feel sick. I made it through dinner alright, but i only had a bowl of egg drop soup and some rice and such from family member's plates. Still haven't unpacked yet...

I am deffantly stressed over that one damn class.


My best friend from back home is marring a guy shes known about two months.


I am feeling lonely again. I hate struggling like this, not that i think God will send me someone just to cure it but i spend most of my time with couples and its wearing down on me....




I really need some alone time with God.... *sigh*

This has been on repeat for the past 5-10 minutes....

I've been away for a little while
And I don't like where it takes me
Out of touch I'm going out of my mind
It's times like these that really break me

So here I am all alone
I'm waiting on You
Just a word will get me through

(Chorus)
I need to hear from You
Before this night is through
I need to hear from You
So I'm waiting, waiting just to hear from you

My whole world is turning upside down
When I'm lacking in direction
I don't care if it takes all night
I need to feel Your sweet affection

So let me hear words of life
I'm lost without You
Speak to me the way You do

I've been here in this place before
And You're not the one to blame
I need to know what You have in store
So I'm on my knees callin out Your name

I need to hear from You

(Petra "I need to hear from You")

why i hate flirts

I really try to get along with him, honestly.

I have tried not to loathe or detest him. The truth is i was just getting use to his banter and flirty nature when he acted like an ass. (Atlest in my opinon). He was CONSTENTLY talking/flirting with her.


See i can deal with innocent, playful banter flirt. but seemed less than innocent to me. But maybe i am over reacting.


I just want to know what kind of guy will spend his afternoon focusing on a certain girl, invite her over to his house to hang out, all while his amazingly wonderful FIANCÉ is in her room sick as a dog?




I can understand him not being at her bedside, no doubt. However... as i said this guy is a massive flirt and he was not being so innocent when he was flirting with this girl.... GAH! If i find out that he does more than flirting with other girls i will feel no shame in telling Kaity.

In the end does it even matter?

I cant get that dream out of my head.  Seeing him was
nerve racking, especially when he'd shoot me glances.
I couldn't take my eyes off him often.  I had to though,
i mean i was sitting next to his ex... *rolls eyes*
Why is my life so dramatic?



Erase my name from this page
How can you take all these days
[What is inside me? What have I done?] 
And throw them away
[Is this the only way that you will notice me?] 
As I sit here waiting for you
[Dead words for closed ears all this is sung]
for you, for you 
I stay up nights
[If you are still pretending this is what's right] 
Until stars leave the sky
[Why can't you look at me can you only see] 
Knowing what my dreams can take away
[Sides, your side, can]
take away

Walk away from me
This night is done



(what's in the [] is more of my feelings)

letting go

i know i have to do it, but it hurts. He has been apart of my life forever.... and i dont want to just let him go... i would atlest like a gradual relase but no.... he is already gone, and theres nothing i can do about it. I know he dosent see it like me. He cant see how far we've grown apart. I thought he knew me.... he really doesnt cause if he did he'd know that it WOULD bother me... the fact he didnt give me anything more than a "happy birthday" but gave her all that i wanted. attention, a little gift and hey im sure he wont have any trouble buy her a card. The thing that bothers me the most is i know that SHE is his new favorite girl.... and why not? heck if i had a boy friend wouldnt i go out of my way to do stuff for him that i wouldnt for my brother? Isnt it normal for a man to love his girl more than his sister? This is my problem... i need to let him go.... let her have him, not that she deserves him... not by a long shot. But this means Ben needs to understand he might have to cope too... when someone "finally" pursues me.

:(

i is sick


i am skizo i think.... on the one hand i am happy, i mean he is happy so its normal right? but then i feel so sad cause its not me... Tis really normal i suppose. I dont know, i just know i hate this. Crushes suck!!! i wish that we could like one person... and that one person would like the same one and there'd be no heart break...

Im sorry

I am sorry for the pain i see in your eyes.
I am sorry for the way i say nothing.
I am sorry for not getting it right.
I am sorry for what i say.
I am sorry for what i dont say.
I am sorry that things are this way.
I am sorry that you feel akward around me.
I am sorry that things are hard.
I am sorry that i dont ask when i see you hurting.
I am sorry that I do not know how to tell you.

As long as you love me so......

LET IT SNOW!!!!!!!

Yes it snowed here... muchly.


I had fun playing in it at the falls!

honesty... why

"So you can stop caring as you call it
And I'll be fine right here

You can't hear what I'm not saying
And I can hold out long enough
Treading water, I keep from sinking
I'm not one for reaching

You see that I can play a pretty convincing role
Well I don't need you
I don't think I need you

But you see through my forever lies
And you are not believing"


I know i should be honest but whats the point. We both know im hurting
and the details wont help you at all... so why should i tell you
anything? Everytime i look into your eyes i see consern for me. I know
that my pain causes you pain as well...  How can i tell you anything
when i know it causes you pain?

*sigh*

So many people i know struggle with self image problems. Mostly it is just the way they look. "im not pretty enough" or whatever..... but me? Honestly i will admit that i am pretty.... there are days when i feel ugly, sure... and days where i feel beautiful... but for the most part i really dont care how i look. However..... i feel like crap. I look at myself as a person and see this horrible brat. I am very unlovable and have a hedious temper that bites anyone who gets too close to me. Any guy would take a "ugly" girl if she was smart and funny and "had a good personality" but who cares how you look when your not a nice person?

Another song

*again note the bold... tis bolded for a reason*


Summer Shudder
by AFI

Listen when I say
When I say it’s real
Real life goes undefined
Why must you be so missable?
Everything you take
Makes it more unreal
Real lines are undefined, how can this be so miserable?

Under the summer rain
I burned away
Under the summer rain
Oh
You turned away

Listen, I can't make
Make a sound or feel
Feel fine, I kissed the lies
Why must they be so kissable?
Listen as I break
Break the fourth wall's seal
Gorgeous eyes shine suicide
When will we be invisible?

Under the summer rain
I burned away
Under the summer rain
Oh
We burned away
Under the summer rain
I burned away
Under the summer rain
You turned away

This is the fall, this is the long way down
And our lives look smaller now
And our lives look so small
This is the fall, this is the long way down
And our lives look smaller now
And our lives look so small

Under the summer rain
I burned away
Under the summer rain
We burned away
Under the summer rain
I burned away
Under the summer rain
We burned away
Under the summer rain
I burned away
Under the summer rain
You turned away

Great song

This is an amazing song... (the bold part is what i need to remember)



When Everything Falls~ by Haste the Day

I can see it comin' on the horizon
Sky turning black, it's raining down
Can't move my feet, cannot be shaken
Not movin', I'm standing strong

I'm standing firm
i can't be moved
I'm standing so firm
I can't be moved

I will stand(x2)
When everything falls away
I will fight this war forever
Or until I die
I will stand(x2)
When everyone falls away
I will fight this war forever
Or until I die

All these things coming against me 
I have the choice to fall or fight 
I cannot be moved 
You give me the strength 
Help me fight, help me fight 

I'm standing so firm
I can't be moved
I'm standing so firm
I can't be moved

I will stand(x2)
When everything falls away
I will fight this war forever
Or until I die
I will stand(x2)
When everyone falls away
I will fight this war forever
Or until I die

I will stand(x2)
When everything falls away
I will fight this war forever
Or until I die
I will stand(x2)
When everyone falls away
I will fight this war forever
Or until I die

And I'm standing so firm
On this ground you've sat before me
I'll fight for this with my last breath
I'll fight for this till I die
I can't be moved(x2)

This makes three

So i have too many blogs, but this one will be randomish thoughts. I mainly got it so i can comment on friend's blogs. I am not sure how often this will be used but time will tell.