it's time to face the truth.... i'll never be with you.

emo post #2367248935903485982437189658427493570493


I can see so many things now, and i dont like any of them.


I am acting just like him, aren't i? I am letting him string me along for the simple fact that maybe, we have a possible future together. Even though i know he dosen't want me (and maybe part of me thinks it isn't possible for him to ever want me, but thats a different post topic). I just let him pull me along on this leash, as it kills me inside. Slowly dying because you can keep giving without getting. This is at lest how i perceive what is going on with us and him and his lover.

< By the way... if you think you know who it is i talk about on here, don't say anything to him. He asked me not to tell mutual friends about the following, and technically i haven't i just needed to post my thoughts somewhere he wouldn't see .>

Also, a couple of weeks ago... things happened that shouldn't have. I listen to lies, all of them. Not just the verbal one, or the implications of "this is my new happy place". but the ones that i found in his kisses, in the way he touched me. But the way i see it is that wasn't really him (this he has said as well). So it was all a lie, just fancy words and moves to get his smashed ass laid (it didn't work, no worries). But as for me? That wasn't me either, was it? Am i really just girl who will just lay there and let him touch me, and leave rather nice sized hickies? (hey they there on his neck for a solid week.) (<---see what i mean.. for some reason the fact i left him hickies that lasted that long makes me happy....why? shouldn't i be ashamed?)

What the @%&$ is wrong with me?


People ask me if i am ok, i tell them i will be... but sometimes i doubt it. Very highschoolish i know, things seem so screwed up that i will never be ok again. I don't think i will ever be able to give my husband a full heart. IT has been so broken, and instead of holding on to the pieces i give them away like free samples. I am greatful (in hindsight) to those who never took them, just accepted my friendship. At lest i don't have to worry about our friendship down the line.


This was longer than i meant for it to be... apologizes, i must go now *Bows* farewell.

it's only wednesday?

So i had to speak to the youth tonight. It is probably the last time i will be able to speak to them sense i talked to the acting leader tonight about just volunteering my time rather than being a full fledged sponser... it was sad... for the second time in three years of helping out i felt like he really cared. I always knew that the youth pastor cared... as well as his wife, but Michael? the only other time in three years he has looked at me with consern in his eyes was when i told him (and Tony and Susan) about my "wonderful" Christmas break. Then and there i could tell Michael cared... and again tonight... i knew without a doubt he did.

Because i talked about Jacob i had a song stuck in my head... for about two weeks on and off... the funny thing is.. i need it. This week was rough on me. Almost every line is where i am.. or at lest where i was at the begging of summer and just kinda gave up...

Closer to myself
Kendal Payne

Digging deep, I feel my conscience burn
I need to know who and what I am
This hunger jolts me from complacency
It rocks me, makes me meet myself

Jacob walked a limp to remind him
Of the greater gift of the greater one
But when I fell, I fell to my own resources
How can I carry a truth, if I can't even crawl to you?

Chorus:
I wanna feel something sweeter than this sin
Cover me in leaves and roll me over again
I've been everybody else now I wanna be
Something closer to myself

La de da de da da da
La de da de da da da
La de da de da da da
La de da de da da da

Paint me in a different light
Shed me yet another coat of skin
Mark me with ash until I'm clean again
Cause I'm so sick and tired
Of being sick and tired
I know I can love you, I know that I can

I wanna feel something sweeter than this sin
Cover me in leaves and roll me over again
I've been everybody else now I wanna be
Something closer to myself

La de da de da da da
La de da de da da da
La de da de da da da
La de da de da da da(x2)

I wanna feel something sweeter than this sin
Cover me in leaves and roll me over again
I've been everybody else now I wanna be
Something closer to myself

I wanna feel something sweeter than this sin
Cover me in leaves and roll me over again
I've been everybody else now I wanna be
Something closer to myself