This could be my last post.... as a ms. haha did i scare anyone?
Probably not.
Just a fast note: A lession I've learned is that i give up on God too easily. Not in a serious "turn my back" way. I know he CAN.... he can do ANYTHING, What i give up on is weither or not he WILL and how i take it personally when he dosen't That maybe things are working out the way they are not cause i need to do without but someone else dose. Like this... two people get in a car crash... maybe the one person didn't need the experince to grow or learn but the other did. Eh.... just one more lession to learn that i will probably need to learn again in a new way in a few months/years.
On a brighter note i get to see me best friend in a few hours (ok ok so like 20ish),
and then in 53 hours and 10 mins i get to marry my Bestest friend!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Punishment?
Maybe its just human nature but how can i not feel like God is punishing me.
Whenever i let something be so important i make hard, fast serious plans they all fall apart like its my fault. I can never want anything. Never. The second i let things with this wedding become important i lose them.
Everything is falling apart. It has to be my fault. I wanted things to go a certain way and now i have no idea what the hell im gonna do. Its all falling apart and the little details only matter to me.
I hate myself all over again.
Whenever i let something be so important i make hard, fast serious plans they all fall apart like its my fault. I can never want anything. Never. The second i let things with this wedding become important i lose them.
Everything is falling apart. It has to be my fault. I wanted things to go a certain way and now i have no idea what the hell im gonna do. Its all falling apart and the little details only matter to me.
I hate myself all over again.
Life is French Canadian!
So there is a scene from a movie i love. Two guys are talking when a chick comes up and was kinda a bitch to one of the guys. After she left the guy who knew her said "Don't mind her, she's french Canadian, some days shes french some days Canadian. The days she is Canadian she can be quite pleasant. Today she is obviously French."
Life is like that too. Some days its pleasant some days its a bitch.
Today was French! :-(
Life is like that too. Some days its pleasant some days its a bitch.
Today was French! :-(
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
BVS
So finally got back into Buffy the Vamp slayer. Just finished season 6- so just 22 episodes till im done. Anywho- just had to share this clip (highlight of the show for me)
I will probably post my fave clips from each Wheadon shows when im done with Buffy and Dollhouse.
I will probably post my fave clips from each Wheadon shows when im done with Buffy and Dollhouse.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
new blog?
So i was thinking of starting a blog about married life. Would anyone read it? and if so should i stay here or go wordpress?
Monday, October 11, 2010
:-(
Filled with that "trevor just left and now i want to cry" feeling.
Not a big fan of this feeling :-(
Katelyn wanted to talk and when i said id be free in two hours, after trevor left she said "oh yeah fine" and hasnt repled to my texts saying i'm ready to Skype.
Just feel adrift- like I am floating all alone just waiting for someone to talk to me. Someone to care enough to say hi. I just know when ever someone is ready to talk my phone will be dead. Hazard of a broken charger cord. :-(
The thing is i doubt it will get better up there. Zero friends- working husband. Doubtful anyone will find time for me still.
I remember why i played WoW so much. I had friends, people who where excited to see me on. No one plays anymore of course. I have maybe one friend there still who isn't a fake-ass liar or superduper clingy.
Not a big fan of this feeling :-(
Katelyn wanted to talk and when i said id be free in two hours, after trevor left she said "oh yeah fine" and hasnt repled to my texts saying i'm ready to Skype.
Just feel adrift- like I am floating all alone just waiting for someone to talk to me. Someone to care enough to say hi. I just know when ever someone is ready to talk my phone will be dead. Hazard of a broken charger cord. :-(
The thing is i doubt it will get better up there. Zero friends- working husband. Doubtful anyone will find time for me still.
I remember why i played WoW so much. I had friends, people who where excited to see me on. No one plays anymore of course. I have maybe one friend there still who isn't a fake-ass liar or superduper clingy.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Two months to go-
wOOts
so many details.
Been feeling down lately. There are people i wish i could invite but i know i cant.
Been trying to do things to make Mouse happy. I mean god forbid IM happy with stuff pertaining to MY wedding. no no no- she is TOP priority.
*sigh*
oh well atlest my wedding can be the wedding she already had, right?
thats my one rant.
wOOts
so many details.
Been feeling down lately. There are people i wish i could invite but i know i cant.
Been trying to do things to make Mouse happy. I mean god forbid IM happy with stuff pertaining to MY wedding. no no no- she is TOP priority.
*sigh*
oh well atlest my wedding can be the wedding she already had, right?
thats my one rant.
Friday, August 13, 2010
The fonder heart?
The same people who seem shocked im having a 3 month engagement also liked telling me 6 months ago "absence makes the heart grow fonder"
And on that note: that always seemed like a good happy thing. "the heart grow fonder"
But its not....
It hurts. It sucks. and yes im being all "black hair covering face i wear black" emo i know. But it feels like im missing everything.
And on that note: that always seemed like a good happy thing. "the heart grow fonder"
But its not....
It hurts. It sucks. and yes im being all "black hair covering face i wear black" emo i know. But it feels like im missing everything.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
wedding bells
Stressing will start shortly lol.
Asked mouse to help with my dress but wondering if i shoulda or not... honestly i dont think she will listen to me. I guess i can give her my ideas and if she dose something else i will be a bride bitch and cry and tell her she runined my dress. naw im too nice - ill just take it even if i hate it.
Need to get tons of stuff that costs alot :(
Asked mouse to help with my dress but wondering if i shoulda or not... honestly i dont think she will listen to me. I guess i can give her my ideas and if she dose something else i will be a bride bitch and cry and tell her she runined my dress. naw im too nice - ill just take it even if i hate it.
Need to get tons of stuff that costs alot :(
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Zero respect/responciblity.
When Ben and Mouse got a cat they KNEW they would be going to LA....
They asked us to watch her for the four months.... that was ok. We loved her and trained her like our own cat... Ben and mouse came home and only stayed a month. before moving. Around that time i got a fish... cause no cat meant yay fish... well i didnt know they'd dump her off on us every time she went into heat and then finally move in with us again... shortly after moving in i met Trevor. One of the first times i went to see him i asked ben to check in on my fish... he did friday morning.. and sunday eveing.. that night though my fish was dead. :(
When i got home to survey the poor fish death my door was open, the net cover was slightly off the bowl and stuff on my desk (next to the bowl) was on the floor. I asked ben why he left the door open he got VERY defensive (thats how i found it) (hell no i ALWAYS shut it cause of the cat)
Here is what i KNOW happened. After the first time ben left it open and the cat got in and killed my fish.... i KNOW it for a fact. But no punishment of the cat occured.
My `/~ button is busted cause the cat keeps getting on my keyboard.... she NEVER did when i left my door open. But its not her fault or Ben and Mouse's its mine for not shuting my lap top.
Every time the cat ruins something of mine its ALL MY FAULT!!!!!
Living with those two completely turned her into a miss behaving cat.
Oh now that Mouse is prego that cat is all but dead to her.... she says she loves Lizzy but she doesn't act like it.... When they move out the cat isn't going. "Cat's kill infants you know " (all her of her prof is nothing but old wife's tails. it hurts cause i LOVE lizzy and i would be a WAY more responcible owner then those shit heads (no really you DONT adopt a cat then abandon it TWICE.)
They asked us to watch her for the four months.... that was ok. We loved her and trained her like our own cat... Ben and mouse came home and only stayed a month. before moving. Around that time i got a fish... cause no cat meant yay fish... well i didnt know they'd dump her off on us every time she went into heat and then finally move in with us again... shortly after moving in i met Trevor. One of the first times i went to see him i asked ben to check in on my fish... he did friday morning.. and sunday eveing.. that night though my fish was dead. :(
When i got home to survey the poor fish death my door was open, the net cover was slightly off the bowl and stuff on my desk (next to the bowl) was on the floor. I asked ben why he left the door open he got VERY defensive (thats how i found it) (hell no i ALWAYS shut it cause of the cat)
Here is what i KNOW happened. After the first time ben left it open and the cat got in and killed my fish.... i KNOW it for a fact. But no punishment of the cat occured.
My `/~ button is busted cause the cat keeps getting on my keyboard.... she NEVER did when i left my door open. But its not her fault or Ben and Mouse's its mine for not shuting my lap top.
Every time the cat ruins something of mine its ALL MY FAULT!!!!!
Living with those two completely turned her into a miss behaving cat.
Oh now that Mouse is prego that cat is all but dead to her.... she says she loves Lizzy but she doesn't act like it.... When they move out the cat isn't going. "Cat's kill infants you know " (all her of her prof is nothing but old wife's tails. it hurts cause i LOVE lizzy and i would be a WAY more responcible owner then those shit heads (no really you DONT adopt a cat then abandon it TWICE.)
Monday, July 12, 2010
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
So i have heard wedding planning is stressfull
Even Mouse told it me was- but she also told me she wouldn't tell me what i HAD to do.... and yet..
"Don't worry too much about favors- you'll end up taking most of them home. Trust me only a few people will take any home"
"Oh that will cost a lot. You should use ___ its much cheaper and everyone loves those. They are so festive" (insert mouse's condesending smile)
Im so sick of the words "you should" why "should" i do anything? just cause she has been married once at a extremely small wedding?
I was telling her how i wanted to decorate the sanctuary and she drew a little diagram and put a door in the wrong spot and declared "oh dont forget the door there" when mom and i over looked it... i ALMOST said "umm no. i have been going to this church sence i was 7 i think i know how it loooks and there is NO door there" but she'd cry and say i hated her and who knows what else (its worse then living with teenagers.... )
I am getting close to my witts end with her- i dont want her help honestly. Her way of helping and mine clash.... to me helping is "an idea is ____. but only if you like it better" 0r " you could do _____" not "you need to" or "You should" i think if she dose that one more time i will say "just like you HAD to use a song other then the one you wanted or have a wedding you couldnt afford just cause your sister said so?" maybe then she would see what she is doing/saying..... :(
*sigh*
Ill be seeing Trevor here soon. I HOPE a week from today ill be getting the dresses. Please pray.
Even Mouse told it me was- but she also told me she wouldn't tell me what i HAD to do.... and yet..
"Don't worry too much about favors- you'll end up taking most of them home. Trust me only a few people will take any home"
"Oh that will cost a lot. You should use ___ its much cheaper and everyone loves those. They are so festive" (insert mouse's condesending smile)
Im so sick of the words "you should" why "should" i do anything? just cause she has been married once at a extremely small wedding?
I was telling her how i wanted to decorate the sanctuary and she drew a little diagram and put a door in the wrong spot and declared "oh dont forget the door there" when mom and i over looked it... i ALMOST said "umm no. i have been going to this church sence i was 7 i think i know how it loooks and there is NO door there" but she'd cry and say i hated her and who knows what else (its worse then living with teenagers.... )
I am getting close to my witts end with her- i dont want her help honestly. Her way of helping and mine clash.... to me helping is "an idea is ____. but only if you like it better" 0r " you could do _____" not "you need to" or "You should" i think if she dose that one more time i will say "just like you HAD to use a song other then the one you wanted or have a wedding you couldnt afford just cause your sister said so?" maybe then she would see what she is doing/saying..... :(
*sigh*
Ill be seeing Trevor here soon. I HOPE a week from today ill be getting the dresses. Please pray.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Money sucks
I hate how everything costs too much.
I hate that i cant talk to Trevor about it either.
I try- i try to tell him and hint even that he should save but it falls on deft ears.
He says he will do waht he can and he is trying but thats BULL SHIT... he brought a cell phone, one he didnt need for $35. (i should add its not working). He got himself a baseball glove the other day... idk what it cost but i know it was probably atlest $10.
IT makes me wanna give up.
I do think i may not even try to expect it this year anymore. He hasnt been listening to me at all. Not a damn word and that is what hurts more then not getting married this year. The fact he says its importaint but its not according to his actions.
How am i suppose to tell him?
I hate that i cant talk to Trevor about it either.
I try- i try to tell him and hint even that he should save but it falls on deft ears.
He says he will do waht he can and he is trying but thats BULL SHIT... he brought a cell phone, one he didnt need for $35. (i should add its not working). He got himself a baseball glove the other day... idk what it cost but i know it was probably atlest $10.
IT makes me wanna give up.
I do think i may not even try to expect it this year anymore. He hasnt been listening to me at all. Not a damn word and that is what hurts more then not getting married this year. The fact he says its importaint but its not according to his actions.
How am i suppose to tell him?
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
gone
So its getting more and more out.
I am in love, i want to get married, and sooner or later i will.
Just had a long talk with mouse about plans, and "what i need to do" and i just smile and nooded to be nice but inside i was thinking "yeah- but no" "maybe for you but not me" and "or i could not" yes i know i havent told her every plan i have but that dosent mean i want her to tell me stuff or give advice... why do i care she got married for less then 3k? Why? she had over a year to plan... granted she changed her mind and decided to bump the wedding up (they didnt HAVE to and they wont convince me they did). But i want to get married this year- just a few months... i have some ideas and thoughts and as soon as i can i will start on that THEN i'll get advice on the rest but if she took the ten seconds to ask "do you want/need adivce?" she'd save her self time she could be with her husband. even a "if you need ANYTHING just ask" i'd go to her if i needed her advice.
She dosent get i dont want to sit and talk about it... she thinks just cause im in love i will want to gush about a wedding thats not even got a date set yet. Maybe i am suppose to and the fact im not is a terrible thing but im just not comfortable about talking about it just yet. if i have conserns i'll ask (i did and when she said it was fine i find out later it wasnt... long story)
If she loves me so much why cant she just back off and let ME plan MY wedding. :-(
I am in love, i want to get married, and sooner or later i will.
Just had a long talk with mouse about plans, and "what i need to do" and i just smile and nooded to be nice but inside i was thinking "yeah- but no" "maybe for you but not me" and "or i could not" yes i know i havent told her every plan i have but that dosent mean i want her to tell me stuff or give advice... why do i care she got married for less then 3k? Why? she had over a year to plan... granted she changed her mind and decided to bump the wedding up (they didnt HAVE to and they wont convince me they did). But i want to get married this year- just a few months... i have some ideas and thoughts and as soon as i can i will start on that THEN i'll get advice on the rest but if she took the ten seconds to ask "do you want/need adivce?" she'd save her self time she could be with her husband. even a "if you need ANYTHING just ask" i'd go to her if i needed her advice.
She dosent get i dont want to sit and talk about it... she thinks just cause im in love i will want to gush about a wedding thats not even got a date set yet. Maybe i am suppose to and the fact im not is a terrible thing but im just not comfortable about talking about it just yet. if i have conserns i'll ask (i did and when she said it was fine i find out later it wasnt... long story)
If she loves me so much why cant she just back off and let ME plan MY wedding. :-(
Saturday, May 22, 2010
extreme?
my last post might have been slightly over reacting... but im still upset.
I will try harder not to be a "lazy bitchy manipulative mooching good for nothing" person- but i am also loosing respect for "them" a bit more every day. Mostly cause I have to be this perfect person for them and they dont have to try AT ALL - just me... and then every thing will be ok again....
I should be with Trevor right now but his car broke down. :( I told him some of the converstation i had with Ben and he got pissed off. It made me feel kinda better to have him defend me like that but i get what Ben was saying- and i kinda agree but i agree with Jesus more, I dont think they should be judging me based on my actions or inactions. So they see me sitting on a couch. leave for 3-5 hours and im still there when they come back.... what they cant know is if i went for a walk, Aplied to stores on line, or did laundry (oh wait probably not that cause they are ALWAYS hogging the machines so no one else can do it so yeah im probably not doing laundry). I mean good grief...
Its like this in my head: They treat me like crap by only listening to 1/2 of what i say and judging me (wrongly) based on that- so i stoped telling them stuff. The fact that im not open and honest with them makes them not trust me and like me less which in turn makes them judge me harsher.... see the never ending vicious cycle and how its ALL my fault and they are the completely innocent party? (if so explain ti to me cause im so lost)
I cant get how they can be right about me.... but then i look at how my friends just leave me, or walk away or even slip away as if im just a after thought and i cant say they are wrong. Not that i expect my friends to always be there (trust me i expect you to have a life, and live it to its fullest and not think of me for days on end- its ok) But when months go by and i see all these updates on facebook and people leaving wall messages about "oooo i need to talk to you i have a big news" and when i ask how life is i get nothing or "im busy sorry." or "i got alot on my mind right now, i will talk to you later"
I cant even get my own family to like me why should any one else?
Maybe its late but im back to the stage where i want to shove everyone away from me cause i think they will just want to leave me in the next few years anyways. :(
I will try harder not to be a "lazy bitchy manipulative mooching good for nothing" person- but i am also loosing respect for "them" a bit more every day. Mostly cause I have to be this perfect person for them and they dont have to try AT ALL - just me... and then every thing will be ok again....
I should be with Trevor right now but his car broke down. :( I told him some of the converstation i had with Ben and he got pissed off. It made me feel kinda better to have him defend me like that but i get what Ben was saying- and i kinda agree but i agree with Jesus more, I dont think they should be judging me based on my actions or inactions. So they see me sitting on a couch. leave for 3-5 hours and im still there when they come back.... what they cant know is if i went for a walk, Aplied to stores on line, or did laundry (oh wait probably not that cause they are ALWAYS hogging the machines so no one else can do it so yeah im probably not doing laundry). I mean good grief...
Its like this in my head: They treat me like crap by only listening to 1/2 of what i say and judging me (wrongly) based on that- so i stoped telling them stuff. The fact that im not open and honest with them makes them not trust me and like me less which in turn makes them judge me harsher.... see the never ending vicious cycle and how its ALL my fault and they are the completely innocent party? (if so explain ti to me cause im so lost)
I cant get how they can be right about me.... but then i look at how my friends just leave me, or walk away or even slip away as if im just a after thought and i cant say they are wrong. Not that i expect my friends to always be there (trust me i expect you to have a life, and live it to its fullest and not think of me for days on end- its ok) But when months go by and i see all these updates on facebook and people leaving wall messages about "oooo i need to talk to you i have a big news" and when i ask how life is i get nothing or "im busy sorry." or "i got alot on my mind right now, i will talk to you later"
I cant even get my own family to like me why should any one else?
Maybe its late but im back to the stage where i want to shove everyone away from me cause i think they will just want to leave me in the next few years anyways. :(
Friday, May 14, 2010
so ha!
Well its been confirmed...
I knew the voices where right- i heard from my own brother...
Im bitchy, Im rude mean, and not a very nice person. They honestly dont respect or trust me. In short they dont like me.....
When i see trevor next I will talk with him about just moving in.... i cant live with people that dont like me. I TOLD everyone they didnt want me around... they didnt like me... now i have prof!!!!
Have i been kinda bitchy to them, yeah.. sure but thats cause MOUSE has been bitchy to me and im sick of being nice, sick of being who she wants me to be. so i get uptight and they get the brunt of my anger (only when they piss me off... not just at no time for no reason).
I am also lazy... they never once stop to think that maybe one of the things im doing on my computer is trying to get a job or futher my education... noooo they dont see me.. the never heard me so i MUST be just a big fat mucher who has nothing to offer anyone in this family.*
Shall i add im only nice when im around trevor or when i want something... so add manipulative to the list....
I suck so badly if i wasnt leaving for this beach trip... damn stright i'd start cutting again... maybe that would get my anger out with out them getting it at all... i'd rather suffer forever then make them hurt.... But if i have to stay here with them..... then yes, im sorry but i WILL start back up.
my own family cant stand me that really really really hurts.
*a very good very vaild point has been removed cause its NOT my secret to tell... Mouse and Ben want to stop me from spreading joy when nearly everyone at church knows.... but i refuse to say a word till they say i can cause i RESPECT them..... assholes
I knew the voices where right- i heard from my own brother...
Im bitchy, Im rude mean, and not a very nice person. They honestly dont respect or trust me. In short they dont like me.....
When i see trevor next I will talk with him about just moving in.... i cant live with people that dont like me. I TOLD everyone they didnt want me around... they didnt like me... now i have prof!!!!
Have i been kinda bitchy to them, yeah.. sure but thats cause MOUSE has been bitchy to me and im sick of being nice, sick of being who she wants me to be. so i get uptight and they get the brunt of my anger (only when they piss me off... not just at no time for no reason).
I am also lazy... they never once stop to think that maybe one of the things im doing on my computer is trying to get a job or futher my education... noooo they dont see me.. the never heard me so i MUST be just a big fat mucher who has nothing to offer anyone in this family.*
Shall i add im only nice when im around trevor or when i want something... so add manipulative to the list....
I suck so badly if i wasnt leaving for this beach trip... damn stright i'd start cutting again... maybe that would get my anger out with out them getting it at all... i'd rather suffer forever then make them hurt.... But if i have to stay here with them..... then yes, im sorry but i WILL start back up.
my own family cant stand me that really really really hurts.
*a very good very vaild point has been removed cause its NOT my secret to tell... Mouse and Ben want to stop me from spreading joy when nearly everyone at church knows.... but i refuse to say a word till they say i can cause i RESPECT them..... assholes
Friday, May 7, 2010
pathetic.
Whats worse?
That i actually hate myself? or that people think when i said it i am just trying to get attention and manipulate people into feeling sorry for me?
Killing myself is a bit extreme to prove i meant it- but it would work.
If i didnt have Trevor- i could see myself starting to cut again.... but then people would freak out and get worried so i think i cant win....
That i actually hate myself? or that people think when i said it i am just trying to get attention and manipulate people into feeling sorry for me?
Killing myself is a bit extreme to prove i meant it- but it would work.
If i didnt have Trevor- i could see myself starting to cut again.... but then people would freak out and get worried so i think i cant win....
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Truth hurts.
Im a very selfish person.
I am so selfish i am back in the habit of hating myself again.
I dont care who gets upset, I dont care who is dissapointed, i just want to dissapear. I cant think of anyones life who would be improved by my staying around.
^see proves my point.
I am so selfish i am back in the habit of hating myself again.
I dont care who gets upset, I dont care who is dissapointed, i just want to dissapear. I cant think of anyones life who would be improved by my staying around.
^see proves my point.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Re: take that b!tc#
She emailed him....
She wanted to know his new number....
He deleted it.
Her signature was "#1 mommy"
I get her not wanting to let him go- he is a amazing guy, but her atempts are sad and pathetic.... when you lie, cheat and emotionally abuse someone you dont just email them and expect them to come running back...
I keep dreaming she shows up on his doorstep saying she wants him back and i normally end up slugging her.... i'd like to but i'd probably end up just slapping her.
She wanted to know his new number....
He deleted it.
Her signature was "#1 mommy"
I get her not wanting to let him go- he is a amazing guy, but her atempts are sad and pathetic.... when you lie, cheat and emotionally abuse someone you dont just email them and expect them to come running back...
I keep dreaming she shows up on his doorstep saying she wants him back and i normally end up slugging her.... i'd like to but i'd probably end up just slapping her.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
baby, its 3 am and i feel lonely
lol ok really why am i awake and why do i suddenly at 3 am get it?
I will admit it, i read new moon (it was a year before the first movie was out, so ha!) . It bothered me, and ripped me apart... i hated how wishy washy Bella was... how she couldnt make up her mind (like what David was doing to me). But it hit me... that might not be the only reason i wanted to cry when Edward vanished from her life... All her pictures of him, the music he gave her, it all vanished, like he never was there..... Sounds a bit to familar... Our pictures are gone... she took them all down. Not that its supprising i guess. She got rid of me and all of us, Jason, Amy, Sten, Kate, she hugged me and said bye and left forever- i think she knew she'd never see me again.
It hurts so much that she wants to forget me... she wants me to go away. I still cant let her go and i hate that... she was my friend... its worse then a death- cause its a choice... a willful act.
I think i could deal better if i knew why.... i dealt with Jere leaving, and Josiah, and Dan (who i dont know if he ever saw me as a friend), i can deal with losing touch, but people who just want to drop me and not say why.... not tell me what happened... i know it will torture me till either i die and i get my answer from God or she finally tells me. :(
Oh wells- i think its hitting me hard cause im writting that list of girls i want with me (you know the one Sten) and she was suppose to be on it.... now she wont even make the guest list- im not even wasting the postage "just in case".
i miss trevor too.... i hate not being with him... its one reason i want to get married... so i can just be there with him... i want to start our life together, i want to be there for him always. i want to be his partner in life, as well as love...
random question to any who reads this.... should i invite my ex? I mean I will invite David cause i want to rub in his face i found someone WAY better then his punk ass, (plus trevor dosent really know about him) But i mean Steven? we are still kinda friends, and i love his mom... she reminds me alot of my grandma... but idk if Trevor will even want me to bring it up... :-/
Thoughts? comments? suggestions?
I will admit it, i read new moon (it was a year before the first movie was out, so ha!) . It bothered me, and ripped me apart... i hated how wishy washy Bella was... how she couldnt make up her mind (like what David was doing to me). But it hit me... that might not be the only reason i wanted to cry when Edward vanished from her life... All her pictures of him, the music he gave her, it all vanished, like he never was there..... Sounds a bit to familar... Our pictures are gone... she took them all down. Not that its supprising i guess. She got rid of me and all of us, Jason, Amy, Sten, Kate, she hugged me and said bye and left forever- i think she knew she'd never see me again.
It hurts so much that she wants to forget me... she wants me to go away. I still cant let her go and i hate that... she was my friend... its worse then a death- cause its a choice... a willful act.
I think i could deal better if i knew why.... i dealt with Jere leaving, and Josiah, and Dan (who i dont know if he ever saw me as a friend), i can deal with losing touch, but people who just want to drop me and not say why.... not tell me what happened... i know it will torture me till either i die and i get my answer from God or she finally tells me. :(
Oh wells- i think its hitting me hard cause im writting that list of girls i want with me (you know the one Sten) and she was suppose to be on it.... now she wont even make the guest list- im not even wasting the postage "just in case".
i miss trevor too.... i hate not being with him... its one reason i want to get married... so i can just be there with him... i want to start our life together, i want to be there for him always. i want to be his partner in life, as well as love...
random question to any who reads this.... should i invite my ex? I mean I will invite David cause i want to rub in his face i found someone WAY better then his punk ass, (plus trevor dosent really know about him) But i mean Steven? we are still kinda friends, and i love his mom... she reminds me alot of my grandma... but idk if Trevor will even want me to bring it up... :-/
Thoughts? comments? suggestions?
Saturday, April 3, 2010
drama again :P
I really hate drama.... but it seems to pull me in- maybe its the crowed i keep.
I believe in respecting the place you live in, much more so when your a guest. Do i pay rent? no. Do i flat out own? No. so is this MY house, no... its my parents so i am a guest here- they allow me to stay rent free.... so i see no reason to try and change things too much.... Too bad Mouse thinks differently.... she has Ben to back her up though...
They asked me what color i wanted to paint the bathroom (this after the "accidental" ripping of the wall paper, which i was asked if i wanted it to come all the way down). I told them maybe a light blue, or cream color- mouse had other suggestions, so i said thats fine, i really didnt care (cause i dont)... also they asked about the showerdoors... i hated them so i voted to have them removed but only if it was ok with mom and dad first..... well what they didnt ask was "do you care what curtin we buy" or "do you care if we move things around" so now the shower curtian is CLEAR.... i feel akward... it took me a extra 10 mins in there just cause i kept looking around.. i felt so exposed. my bottles are in a different spot (one was thrown away and im pretty sure i didnt do it- i dont care how empty it was you DONT mess with someone elses stuff. ) I could say something but its not like it would matter whats done is done. I hate having to confront her about things cause she somehow makes it my fault, no matter what it is. Also this morning my hand towel and washcloth were gone... So i asked them and they said they washed some things they were probably in there... well they took the clean clothes to their room this morning and yet by 9:30 pm (11 hours later) they still werent back (hmmmm) Also i know my bucket might have been in the way but there is NO other place for it and they moved it without saying ONE DAMN word to me...
WHAT THE FUCK??????
It might be something small but to me it says "we dont really care what you think, we want it our way if its thats inconveintant for you.. find a place where its not"
Grrrrrrr...... im so out of here as soon as i can find a place.... infact here is my mental plan:
get my licence, get insured if i have enough left over after that per month ask a friend if i can move in with her and tell her what i can pay a month... she knows i am having issues here she sees how ragged i look each week at church. If it works it might not be long at all... just a couple of months....
I dont know if i have the energy to last till October here. :(
I believe in respecting the place you live in, much more so when your a guest. Do i pay rent? no. Do i flat out own? No. so is this MY house, no... its my parents so i am a guest here- they allow me to stay rent free.... so i see no reason to try and change things too much.... Too bad Mouse thinks differently.... she has Ben to back her up though...
They asked me what color i wanted to paint the bathroom (this after the "accidental" ripping of the wall paper, which i was asked if i wanted it to come all the way down). I told them maybe a light blue, or cream color- mouse had other suggestions, so i said thats fine, i really didnt care (cause i dont)... also they asked about the showerdoors... i hated them so i voted to have them removed but only if it was ok with mom and dad first..... well what they didnt ask was "do you care what curtin we buy" or "do you care if we move things around" so now the shower curtian is CLEAR.... i feel akward... it took me a extra 10 mins in there just cause i kept looking around.. i felt so exposed. my bottles are in a different spot (one was thrown away and im pretty sure i didnt do it- i dont care how empty it was you DONT mess with someone elses stuff. ) I could say something but its not like it would matter whats done is done. I hate having to confront her about things cause she somehow makes it my fault, no matter what it is. Also this morning my hand towel and washcloth were gone... So i asked them and they said they washed some things they were probably in there... well they took the clean clothes to their room this morning and yet by 9:30 pm (11 hours later) they still werent back (hmmmm) Also i know my bucket might have been in the way but there is NO other place for it and they moved it without saying ONE DAMN word to me...
WHAT THE FUCK??????
It might be something small but to me it says "we dont really care what you think, we want it our way if its thats inconveintant for you.. find a place where its not"
Grrrrrrr...... im so out of here as soon as i can find a place.... infact here is my mental plan:
get my licence, get insured if i have enough left over after that per month ask a friend if i can move in with her and tell her what i can pay a month... she knows i am having issues here she sees how ragged i look each week at church. If it works it might not be long at all... just a couple of months....
I dont know if i have the energy to last till October here. :(
Monday, March 29, 2010
done
i am so done with this.......... i swear i wont put up with it anymore.
"I love you" seems so shallow now- there is only a couple of people i'll believe it from anymore.
There is so much about rules and life that i dont care about anymore. I have to leave and if it means moving in with my boyfriend and losing my virginity oh the fuck well cause this place is eatting my soul.
I am very slowly dying and i am pretty sure no one cares.
"See i can play a pretty convincing role,
so i dont need you
I dont think i need you"
~Liquid
"Dont try to reach me
cause im already dead"
~He
"I love you" seems so shallow now- there is only a couple of people i'll believe it from anymore.
There is so much about rules and life that i dont care about anymore. I have to leave and if it means moving in with my boyfriend and losing my virginity oh the fuck well cause this place is eatting my soul.
I am very slowly dying and i am pretty sure no one cares.
"See i can play a pretty convincing role,
so i dont need you
I dont think i need you"
~Liquid
"Dont try to reach me
cause im already dead"
~He
Friday, March 12, 2010
dwdjkwadawAngstakwdkSnarljkjkeajGrumblejdkwadjwajdkCursingdwadmwkamawk
I am sick....
Not cough cough sick but fed up....
I havent eaten much today cause i've been too depressed.... i am so sick of these funks. I just get down and upset and depressed and all i want to do is spend all day in bed and away from everyone and everthing.
I hate the way certain family members treat me like im a nusance... or a guest who has overstayed her welcome... I get glared at... insulted. And treated like a idiot when im the one who cares enough for this family that i follow house rules and dont go changing things for my benifit.
I hate it when my family quizzes me about Trevor like i have to know certain things before we can go father in our relationship. (I know him... and i love him and i love that im still getting to know him)
I hate the distance from my friends.... i want to be closer to Trev or closer to a friend- someone who knows me well enough to get my moods. someone not mouse, but more like katelyn or kristen.... i miss them so much.
I want to change some things but not the things mouse wants me to change- so if im gonna be this brat or whatever she sees me as, i dont want to do it here... i want to be who i am with people who are willing to welcome that. People who can speak truth without it being harsh, and offenceive, people who know when i need to hear it and when i need to be stubbern. I want to move... if i stay in this town i want to live with someone who actually likes me for me.
I am ready to just get away from her.... if she wont take her paycheacks and get a semi decent place with her husband then i will get out of here. Its me or her... im sorry but i know me... i know i can only take so much... im so weak... i am really scared if i have to put up with this i will start hurting myself again. That empty feeling is back and i dont like it.
Not cough cough sick but fed up....
I havent eaten much today cause i've been too depressed.... i am so sick of these funks. I just get down and upset and depressed and all i want to do is spend all day in bed and away from everyone and everthing.
I hate the way certain family members treat me like im a nusance... or a guest who has overstayed her welcome... I get glared at... insulted. And treated like a idiot when im the one who cares enough for this family that i follow house rules and dont go changing things for my benifit.
I hate it when my family quizzes me about Trevor like i have to know certain things before we can go father in our relationship. (I know him... and i love him and i love that im still getting to know him)
I hate the distance from my friends.... i want to be closer to Trev or closer to a friend- someone who knows me well enough to get my moods. someone not mouse, but more like katelyn or kristen.... i miss them so much.
I want to change some things but not the things mouse wants me to change- so if im gonna be this brat or whatever she sees me as, i dont want to do it here... i want to be who i am with people who are willing to welcome that. People who can speak truth without it being harsh, and offenceive, people who know when i need to hear it and when i need to be stubbern. I want to move... if i stay in this town i want to live with someone who actually likes me for me.
I am ready to just get away from her.... if she wont take her paycheacks and get a semi decent place with her husband then i will get out of here. Its me or her... im sorry but i know me... i know i can only take so much... im so weak... i am really scared if i have to put up with this i will start hurting myself again. That empty feeling is back and i dont like it.
Friday, March 5, 2010
my rights (lol)
So i finally got rid of the fancy layouts... back to normal diy...
I understand that part of advertising is to inform the public they have a need and you have the solution to that need. But i am kinda offended when someone says that "you have the right to have it your way" hamburgers are one thing but do i really have the right to "flat abs" "MY money" and "peace of mind".
I dont get why i somehow keep getting all these random fake rights thrown at me.... sure i have the right to have flat abs but i also have the right to eat like a pig and never work out.... i dont need someone telling me what i need or want... and i wish i could inact my right to not be bugged by stupid pushy salesmen.
I understand that part of advertising is to inform the public they have a need and you have the solution to that need. But i am kinda offended when someone says that "you have the right to have it your way" hamburgers are one thing but do i really have the right to "flat abs" "MY money" and "peace of mind".
I dont get why i somehow keep getting all these random fake rights thrown at me.... sure i have the right to have flat abs but i also have the right to eat like a pig and never work out.... i dont need someone telling me what i need or want... and i wish i could inact my right to not be bugged by stupid pushy salesmen.
Friday, February 26, 2010
lost, found, and missing.
Lost:
I lost some people resently... wont go into details. Who, when, how... it just hurts to know that people i thought where there, arent there. I know im to blame for some of these lost friends.... i should do more, talk more. Not that im not good enough but i should have done more... Then again there are some friends i know would have left no matter what i did, said or didnt. It is their problem not mine. I have made peace with this (but i still mourn the loss of that person).
Found:
I was told that im not alone in one of my obesstions. My best friend found out why i love a certain actor. Its good to know im not alone lol. (even if i have mellowed out in the past few months). I think humans feel better when they know that they arent alone in their thoughts/feelings. It could be something serious as drugs or alcohol, or innocent as famous people, tv shows, and being a "fan of aglets" on facebook.
Missing:
ITs been 17 days sence i last saw my love, and it will be another 18 :( 5 weeks with only having the phone as a point of contact sucks. :( I miss him a lot. But this is a good thing i guess... the hardest part i think is when we are together i have these weeks of repressed emotions spilling out. Would things be easier if we saw eachother every few days?
I lost some people resently... wont go into details. Who, when, how... it just hurts to know that people i thought where there, arent there. I know im to blame for some of these lost friends.... i should do more, talk more. Not that im not good enough but i should have done more... Then again there are some friends i know would have left no matter what i did, said or didnt. It is their problem not mine. I have made peace with this (but i still mourn the loss of that person).
Found:
I was told that im not alone in one of my obesstions. My best friend found out why i love a certain actor. Its good to know im not alone lol. (even if i have mellowed out in the past few months). I think humans feel better when they know that they arent alone in their thoughts/feelings. It could be something serious as drugs or alcohol, or innocent as famous people, tv shows, and being a "fan of aglets" on facebook.
Missing:
ITs been 17 days sence i last saw my love, and it will be another 18 :( 5 weeks with only having the phone as a point of contact sucks. :( I miss him a lot. But this is a good thing i guess... the hardest part i think is when we are together i have these weeks of repressed emotions spilling out. Would things be easier if we saw eachother every few days?
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
long road
So its been a long road sence June...
One of my best friends got married shortly after i wrote that... the day before i was reading a book... one of the characters was going through a deivorce and this is what she had to say
"How could i let myself forget that most marriages end in divorcee?" Se sylvia asked. "You don't learn that in [Jane] Austin. She always has a wedding or two at the end."
"My dearest Syliva." Jocelyn said. Alergra put her arms around her mother and her head on her mother's shoulder. "We haven't reached the end yet."
It gave me hope... and a couple of weeks later i befriended a guy and things took off... he was and is very awesome... I love him dearly and need to becareful so i dont ramble about him all day...
Other things however i cannot speak about... a family curse if you will.. I remember Ally saying it could never happen to her and it did and it was woderfull (still is lol) So i never listend when a family member said the same thing.... and then *poof* i was right.... it happened... then... one day... it was all gone... lost... i was asked not to tell anyone in the first place and was never told i could still... so im left to morn alone (how is that fair?) anyways dear readers i posted a poem i wrote on the matter on my writting blogg... if you dont have the links let me know...
other then those two.. not much has gone on in my life. ^_^
One of my best friends got married shortly after i wrote that... the day before i was reading a book... one of the characters was going through a deivorce and this is what she had to say
"How could i let myself forget that most marriages end in divorcee?" Se sylvia asked. "You don't learn that in [Jane] Austin. She always has a wedding or two at the end."
"My dearest Syliva." Jocelyn said. Alergra put her arms around her mother and her head on her mother's shoulder. "We haven't reached the end yet."
It gave me hope... and a couple of weeks later i befriended a guy and things took off... he was and is very awesome... I love him dearly and need to becareful so i dont ramble about him all day...
Other things however i cannot speak about... a family curse if you will.. I remember Ally saying it could never happen to her and it did and it was woderfull (still is lol) So i never listend when a family member said the same thing.... and then *poof* i was right.... it happened... then... one day... it was all gone... lost... i was asked not to tell anyone in the first place and was never told i could still... so im left to morn alone (how is that fair?) anyways dear readers i posted a poem i wrote on the matter on my writting blogg... if you dont have the links let me know...
other then those two.. not much has gone on in my life. ^_^
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