emo... ansgty....

whatever i am right now tis not a good thing......

I know i am loved... i have amazing friends who put up with me. and yet... i doubt the fact that i am truly loved.... no no... see Sten loves me.... and Dan and Austin love me... im sure even Josiah does too.. but who could really love me? like deep love... none of them can make that claim...


yeah thats my only point and unless you can say yes to this... then you cant refute it (haha i win).

Losing my will to fight.....

"Clutching my cure, I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more, than any time before
I have no options left again"

This is was me around 10.... i felt the urge to either yell at the top of my lungs, or fall back to my "cure." i asked people to come and the replys where more like "whatever" so i told them i'd be there.... but even though people seemed to care they didnt so i left... yes i was kinda mad that people seemed to be in the mindset of "if you want to" and i thought by me saying i'd be there that was enough to let it sink in I WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM... but no...


so yeah... atlest im not alone anymore.... although i still feel this need to scream or break..... and the scream isnt gonna happen.

.... i am losing my will to fight....

.....to be continued.

Comatose

I hate feeling like this
I'm so tired of trying to fight this
I'm asleep and all I dream of

Is waking to you
Tell me that you will listen
Your touch is what I'm missing
And the more I hide I realize I'm slowly losing you

Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you

Chorus:
I don't wanna live
I don't wanna breathe
'les I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to you never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna dream
'cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
Waking up to you never felt so real

I hate living without you
Dead wrong to ever doubt you
But my demons lay in waiting
Tempting me away
Oh how I adore you
Oh how I thirst for you
Oh how I need you

Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you
I don't wanna live
I don't wanna breathe
'les I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to you never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna dream
'cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
Waking up to you never felt so real

Bridge: Breathing life

Waking up My eyes
Open up

Don't leave me alone

Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you
I don't wanna live
I don't wanna breathe
'les I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to you never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna dream
'cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
Waking up to you never felt so real

When your world is falling through...

.... and you don't know what to do...

In light of all the crappy things that have happened many people have spoken truth into my life and these songs came to mind... so i went digging for it and found them.

Tell me what you see
There in the mirror
Please tell me why your crying
Do you still believe, that somebody hears you when you
Well, don't let you're dreams just die

If you believe in one thing, one thing is true

I know that when God thinks of you
His love is the sky
and you shine like the sun
I know that you think that you're hopeless
I know I'm right
In God's eyes, you shine like the sun.

Everybody knows
Time as it goes
Changes the way we're feeling
When we feel estranged
God's love remains
So we don't have to be afraid

If you believe in one thing, one thing is true

I know that when God thinks of you
His love is the sky
and you shine like the sun
I know that you think that you're hopeless
I know I'm right
In God's eyes, you shine like the sun.

You shine... you shine... you shine like the sun.
You shine... you shine... you shine like the sun.

If you believe in one thing, one thing is true

I know that when God thinks of you
His love is the sky
and you shine like the sun
I know that you think that you're hopeless
I know I'm right
In God's eyes, you shine like the sun.

...DON'T GIVE UP NOW!



(Ash Mundae~ Don't give up, In God's eyes)

long week.

so many dumb things i do.... So i didnt think about footwear before leaving for the show. I deffantly lost my shoes when the mosh broke out. then some guy (yes i know it was a guy) stepped on my foot. yeah hurt a lot. Also in the mosh Dan grabed Sten, and she grabed me but Michael got lost... we finally found him but it twas funny. This guy during the same band kept putting his arm out [around me] when ever someone came close to me.

During Autum to ashes we sat in purgatory and talked. Michael and i had a good convo about random things (one very good talk about the past, and stupid things said... so maybe he understands why i was so hurt by him in the past). One thing for sure... that dream i had about him liking me is seeming more and more dumb. I have a hard time believing he likes me at all... so that is a big relief. But i wont soon forget the look in his eyes when i told him all that he forgot he said that fateful day.

later i slept on the way back and now my neck is really hurting...

On the bright side many good pictures where taken.... good times to be remembered... ;)



Those who couldn't make it where missed, i understand that things came up.... y'all are still loved.

sad day.

So today was mediocre for me.... not horrible, but not good.

A classmate stopped by work tonight to tell me how the debate went.

then i got to talk to a few other friends, (one of which told me he was having a rough night).

but the end of this evening was my amazing roommate's night.


I hate being powerless to help... all i can do is sit and and listen to a broken heart. I know that things will get better, and i know just listening will help but... i hate not being able to help those i love.

Out of touch im going out of my mind

I think i might be stressed out.... i dont really feel it much, but i can feel the onset of a migrain, and my appeite has been Skizo since lunch. I am hungry but whenever i take a bite i feel sick. I made it through dinner alright, but i only had a bowl of egg drop soup and some rice and such from family member's plates. Still haven't unpacked yet...

I am deffantly stressed over that one damn class.


My best friend from back home is marring a guy shes known about two months.


I am feeling lonely again. I hate struggling like this, not that i think God will send me someone just to cure it but i spend most of my time with couples and its wearing down on me....




I really need some alone time with God.... *sigh*

This has been on repeat for the past 5-10 minutes....

I've been away for a little while
And I don't like where it takes me
Out of touch I'm going out of my mind
It's times like these that really break me

So here I am all alone
I'm waiting on You
Just a word will get me through

(Chorus)
I need to hear from You
Before this night is through
I need to hear from You
So I'm waiting, waiting just to hear from you

My whole world is turning upside down
When I'm lacking in direction
I don't care if it takes all night
I need to feel Your sweet affection

So let me hear words of life
I'm lost without You
Speak to me the way You do

I've been here in this place before
And You're not the one to blame
I need to know what You have in store
So I'm on my knees callin out Your name

I need to hear from You

(Petra "I need to hear from You")

why i hate flirts

I really try to get along with him, honestly.

I have tried not to loathe or detest him. The truth is i was just getting use to his banter and flirty nature when he acted like an ass. (Atlest in my opinon). He was CONSTENTLY talking/flirting with her.


See i can deal with innocent, playful banter flirt. but seemed less than innocent to me. But maybe i am over reacting.


I just want to know what kind of guy will spend his afternoon focusing on a certain girl, invite her over to his house to hang out, all while his amazingly wonderful FIANCÉ is in her room sick as a dog?




I can understand him not being at her bedside, no doubt. However... as i said this guy is a massive flirt and he was not being so innocent when he was flirting with this girl.... GAH! If i find out that he does more than flirting with other girls i will feel no shame in telling Kaity.

In the end does it even matter?

I cant get that dream out of my head.  Seeing him was
nerve racking, especially when he'd shoot me glances.
I couldn't take my eyes off him often.  I had to though,
i mean i was sitting next to his ex... *rolls eyes*
Why is my life so dramatic?



Erase my name from this page
How can you take all these days
[What is inside me? What have I done?] 
And throw them away
[Is this the only way that you will notice me?] 
As I sit here waiting for you
[Dead words for closed ears all this is sung]
for you, for you 
I stay up nights
[If you are still pretending this is what's right] 
Until stars leave the sky
[Why can't you look at me can you only see] 
Knowing what my dreams can take away
[Sides, your side, can]
take away

Walk away from me
This night is done



(what's in the [] is more of my feelings)