joy...

Tis the little things in life that make me happy... much better than death note, just when i was learning more about L... sad day... well not for Light...


http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0459.html

score points for the goblin knowing his spells....

(if your lost thats ok... this is #459... but if you start now, reading 92 a day you'll catch up before Monday's is posted, really, tis doable)

haste the day medly

I have a pain in my head... and for once im not making a pun when i say that.

I've given my heart away
To so many things
So many times I've failed
Help me stop this endless cycle
Remind me of how it can be

Take me back
I surrender all
Without you
My heart is broken

Is there anything to feel
Is it pain that makes you real
Cut me off before it kills me
Long way down, I don't think I'll make it on my own

There is nowhere I would rather be
Than in your arms
You've proven time and again who you are
I continue to run away
But you are right here
You take me back, you are right here
I am nothing that's of worth to you
Take all I have
Though I may never understand it
I won't stop believing you offer me
Another chance
A new solution
I don't understand it
But I won't stop believing


My Words Feel So Empty
My Lips Speak In Vain
Your Face Tells A Story
Of Wounds That Still Remain
Stay True To My Heart
Cast Failures To The Wind
I Hate The Way It Feels
To Know I Slipped Again

Tomorrow Holds Another Chance
Not Just To Smile But Make It Real
For What It's Worth I Won't Give Up
For Whats It's Worth I Won't Give Up

I Won't Walk Away
For What It's Worth I Won't Give Up
For What It's Worth I Won't Give Up
For Whats It's Worth I Won't Give Up



All these things coming against me
I have the choice to fall or fight
I cannot be moved
You give me the strength
Help me fight, help me fight
I'm standing so firm
I can't be moved
I'm standing so firm
I can't be moved
I will stand
I will stand
When everything falls away
I will fight this war forever
Or until I die
I will stand
I will stand
When everything falls away
I will fight this war forever
Or until I die

YOUR
WORTH
MORE
THAN
THIS!

American love
Long way down
all i have
an honest confession
When everything falls
Stitches

Gusty like the wind

I am getting into Death-note.. i would love to read to manga. Gonna look to see if i can get it from the library... I looked for Rob bell but they only had sex god... really sad... I will probably end up buying Velvet Elvis.

So i have spent way too long searching for a song... it has taken me 15 minutes (at the very lest) to find it anywhere that isnt in 30 second clips.. Im gonna have to buy it soon cause i love the cd. Just hearing the song makes me want to jump around amd pump my fists.
Here are the words...

Gusty like the wind- by Maylene and the sons of disaster. 
Distant from faces hollow and uncomfortable.
I haven't been up or down in so long, but believe me.
Depression just takes too much and I'm far to drained to give her what's due.
I live for defeat.
Find myself searching for the worst.
Take me where I need to go.
I'm much to tired to live alone.
Making a life dead on the inside.
Circulation like 65 at 5 and it never lets up.
Tomorrow I'll  forget what drove me to this paper, but I'll use it anyway.
Like the friends and family I love and ignore.
God give me a reason to love this place.
Come on just one more reason.
Making a life dead on the inside.
Circulation like 65 at 5 and it never lets up.
I'm trying to shake these bitter days but it never lets up.
Making a life dead on the inside.
Circulation like 65 at 5 and it never lets up.

I have been dealing with demons. Questions dancing in my head... mainly involoving emotions. How do i feel about situations, or those involved... What could i say? It not like i can really do anything. I don't even know if i could help things so why should i get inolved (aside from prayer?) Hmm shower time i think. I will maybe post a story on dev later.

i am loved

Some realizations from this past week...

I know i am loved. I know i am wanted, but i also know that i am not needed. I dont know if i want to be needed. No one should depend on someone else so strongly as to need them. Yet some part of me wants to be needed, wants someone to depend on me... not in a clingy way but in a.... i dont know.. is there a non-clingy i need you? *deep sigh*

Why is there this false dichotomy in my head? This isnt the only one, there are issues of the heart that need dealing with, and readjusting. I don't know what i want... anymore... there are thoughts and desires, and i know some are good and some are... well they need to change... but with all these conflicting thoughts and feelings and i just feel so messed up. Maybe that cause its so late and i am over emotional with all that is going on right now.... broken promises thrown in my face a lot.

I guess thats just life and i should get over it and stop be emo... right? Everyone goes through this kind of crap so why should i feel bad about it, i need to just grow up and get over myself.

Whatever works right?

Story time, bare with me.

At my church on Wednesday nights there is a program for kids 1st- 5th grade. It started around my 4th grade year. We learned different skills (cooking, how to tie knots, good manners. It changed every month,). At the end of one month we camped out at church, but because it was raning we slept inside. They room was really big so boys where on one side and girls on the other with the shaperons in the middle. I was getting ready for bed, trying not to stare and the cute MK i had a crush on who was just a few feet away. When my focus was broking by a friend exclaiming "WHO'S UNDERWEAR IS THIS!" Now i think you are smart enough to know i wouldn't be posting this if it wasn't mine. I grabed the article of clothing that was for the next day and ran for the bathroom, and cried.

A few weeks ago i was feeling very destructive, and only one emotional breakdown away from cutting again. Someone made a comment that cut me deeper than any blade could have. I left, and cried in the bathroom.

A couple of days ago in youth group we talked about how we handle someone hurting us, ond of the guys said (in the given situation) he would go to the bathroom to cry.... i can relate.

Why is it that the bathroom is a place of solace? A place i can go to where i can cry as much as i want but i cant cry in front of those who i know love me and will accept me? I was cut deep again. No words can tell her how much she hurt me. No scars will do justice... I cried in the bathroom again. This is the third time this SEMESTER i cried in the student center bathroom... Someone stoped me... i thought for sure he'd ask about my eyes, i had an excuse ready too(alergies) but he just wanted to know about getting a job.

i guess if it saves my flesh it really doesn't matter where i cry


**EDIT**
So this song came to me and made me almost cry again...

Jill Philips
I am

oh gently lay your head upon my chest
and I will comfort you like a mother while you rest
the tide can change so fast, but I will stay
the same through past, the same in future, same today

I am constant; I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy; I am wise
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
your heart's desires

oh weary, tired and worn, let out your sighs
and drop that heavy load you hold 'cause Mine is light
I know you through and through; there's no need to hide
I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide

'cause I am constant; I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy; I am wise
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
your heart's desires

I am constant; I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy; I am wise
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
your heart's desires

oh gently lay your head upon my chest
and I will comfort you like a mother while you rest

**End edit**

never too late.

Has a long talk with Laura yesterday about life and what has been going on the past few months as well as the past few years. Where God has brought us, and what he has brought us through. This song is one i heard a few days ago and havent been able to get it our of my head. Many times i find myself in the position of the one being sung too, but there are times when im the singer telling others to hold on.

This is not just about ending your life, it can be about ending the fight.... don't give up, cause its not too late.. its never too late.

Never too late
Three days grace.
This world will never be, What I expected
And if I dont belong, Who would have guessed it
I will not leave alone everything that I own
To make you feel like it's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say, You want to end your life
Now and again we try to just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around cuz it's not too late
It's never too late

Noone will ever see, This side reflected
And if there's something wrong, Who would have guessed it
And I have left alone, Everything that I own
To make you feel like, It's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say, You want to end your life
Now and again we try to just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around cuz it's not too late
It's never too late

The world we knew won't come back
The time we've lost can't get back
The life we had won't be ours again

This world will never be, What I expected
And if I dont belong.....

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say, You want to end your life
Now and again we try to just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around cuz it's not too late
It's never too late
Maybe we'll turn it all around cuz it's not too late
It's never too late
It's not too late, It's never too late

answer to my prayers.

So I think God is starting work in my heart some more... I am finally starting to realize that the feelings i have for my crush are real and yet... its not him i care for, but who he is, the idea of him... his attitude, and his heart for God. I went looking through some old journals of mine and found a list of things i want in a husband and yes he fit most of them... but, that fact didn't make me love him more it just help soildify that he is a good guy, and i could get along with someone LIKE him... but that doesnt mean HE is perfect for me in any way.


So yes... things in my heart are calming down, lets just hope they can stay clam.



Mean while.... things with a former crush are very cool. I can't believe that we are still friends. More than that we are almost family, and he is just about begging me not to leave. He sounds so pathetic... "I really wish you didn't have to go. I want you to stay" He is just like a little kid.... tis so sweet.

12478943234567654321345678765432

Song is stuck in head.... must listen 12478943234567654321345678765432 times to get it out.....

I'm not that girl
Idena Menzle (Wicked soundtrack)

Hands touch,
Eyes meet.
Sudden silence,
Sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be the boy,
but I'm not that girl

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl

Ever so often we long to steal to the land of what might have been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in

Blithe smile
Lithe limb
She who's whinsim
She wins him
Gold hair with a gentile curl
Thats the girl he choose
And heaven knows...
I'm not that girl

Don't wish
Don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl.
There's a girl I know,
He loves her so.....
but I'm not that girl.