heart of everything

Its hard sometimes: to look back at all that i have been told and all i have seen- i thought i found my worth but then i lost it... who am i? That is what i have needed to know. I know i dont need a guy to prove my worth but i NEED to know i am loved and mostly i just dont see it. I dont see how i am loved, i dont see what is worth loving, and with no one to lavish me with love its hard to see what my worth is... is horrible i depend on others but something inside me must be broken.

but some people have been there for me and i wanted to say thanks!

Kaykay- sticking around for so long, through fights and tiffs you have stuck by me and i do ove ya and i know you love me!

Sten: what can i say- you kept me sane and alive. no matter how depressd i got or how much i wanted to cry you'd let me and i always knew i was love if you where there.

Ally- Known you forever- and you;ve been one of those people thats always fun to be around. I might not be able to tell you EVERYTHING but i know you listen and you care.

Ari: my other lifeline. I know you care muchly and it shows. What wold have happened without you? i'd probavly be dead.

Dave and keinan: you both are so fun- and both have been big encouragements to me. Thanks... really!



Also i must say thanks to Ben.... i was in a low spot and you just sat and listened to me complain and cry. Its been two years sence i could cry infront of you.... i was reminded that many things re in my head and some are realy there. just thanks for being my brother.





If y'all are right and there is someone out there for me... he must be some guy to put up with me and my moods... share with him the love you showed me... let him know how special he is to able to not quit... cause i know im not easy to love or put up with.

are white lies all white?

can they be black or red or blue?



He said he was part demon... i told him he wasnt a demon but a fallen angel. He told me i was the first to put it like that (I win!!!!)



He also clumped me in with "all" the other girls who like him... am i any different?


he is so cryptic

"the stars are blackmail for me"- a new perspective.

Its been drawn to my attention i dont post enough. ok fine. POST! k im done





j/k






ok so two things occourd to me.. one will form a short story later. but the otehr is this.... i was hurt by someones broken promises. i really want to call hima nd tell him i glad things worked out this way. that he is not anything like the person i thought he was. (wish granted im slightly angry). No im not "over" it... he will probably always have some kind of power over me.

life goes on

and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and you get the idea.



that was to prove the next point. I seem to be stuck in the same rut.

faith and trust meet logic and reality (or past experences). I want to think things in my life will turn a certain way. My friends say don't give up. There is still a chance. but if i don't give up this trust... false hope maybe.. logic tells me i will be crushed. Should i give up on this dream or cling knowing i may be hurt from the broken shards of my heart?


a few posts back i mentioned a dark cloud. it found me.... i always loved to dance in the rain. as much as i hate this storm im in there isnt anything else i'd rather do. (i COULD sit and mope, or complain, or something but i want to dance)


"like a moth burned by the flame selfish greed led me to pain.
through my pride and dispair found your love waiting there

This is where new life begins!

PLEASE TAKE CONTROL!"

on guilt and shame

I know its not my fault... but why did i have to be right? Why did i have to think it in the first place? Why couldn't they have proved me as well as most of us, wrong? I guess they where only shooting to dissapoint most everyone else, who said one year.

short little emo rant.

"Alone again again alone
Patiently waiting by the phone
Hoping that you will call me home
The pain inside my love denied"

Why dont i ever listen?


Why did i let my gaurd down?


I knew it was too good to last.... how could i forget my place in life?



"don't wish
Don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
i wasnt born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl i know... he loves her so
Im not that girl"


.... and i never will be!!

Dark cloud- warning of danger or THE danger?

I feel like im running. Being chased by a huge dark cloud. I out run it for a little bit but then it catches up to me and i have to start running again.


I had this dream.. i had it a few times accutally. I was on a realy big boat, like a cruse liner. I was being chased by something/someone... for some reason we all got split up and i dont know if people were dead or just lost but it was just me and Ben running from this thing. and finally just me (last time i had it, many years ago i did see it was less of a who and more of a black nothing cloud). I was in high school or maybe even middle school last time i had it but i stop for a moment... i cant remember how i knew when it got closer... if there was a sound or if i just 'knew' some how. but i knew it was near me and i stop for a second to ask myself.. "why are you running? who is to say that this will hurt you? maybe it is here to help? so what if it scares you it still might be a good thing" so i decided to stop and i saw it again. but i woke up before it swallowed me. I wish i had seen the end, so i knew it i was right.


back to Real life now..... i think i will feel less fatuiged when i know why im running. From what i can tell it is not a happy cloud, and i need to keep running till it is gone (which i dont know if thats tottaly possible). but maybe it is a cloud to warn me that im going the wrong way (as bacwkwards as it sounds, maybe i need to run into the storm, so it can pass over me and leave me unharmed). For now its a waiting game... i run and i wait... Everything will be ok in the end.

not ashamed?

"I'm not ashamed to let you know
I want this light in me to show
I'm not ashamed to speak the name of Jesus Christ"

"What will people think
When they hear that I'm a Jesus freak
What will people do when they find that it's true
I don't really care if they label me a Jesus freak
There ain't no disguising the truth."

These are just two of the songs i grew up on that proclaimed not being ashamed to announce to the world your faith. The biggest sin among highschoolers in my church was/is being ashamed of being a Christian. But now...i really really cant stand the title. Am i a Christian? Christians are the ones who yell "baby killer" to the girls that are hurting inside. They maliciously persecute those they lable sinners (ex: gays, girls that sleep around, smokers, people with tattoos) and when they are curssed out for it they stand up in church and announce proudly "i was persecuted for the name of Jesus" Maybe i am just cynical but i have talked to people who didn't know i was a Christian and thats how they saw us... and it made me sick.. i have applogized on more than one occasion for the acts of my so called "brothers and sisters".


It seems like being a Chrsitian is less like a unified body and more like a race. I mean you cant lump us all together... like with any ethnic group we are all individuals. Or like to say "all cops eat donuts" some do some dont...


No i am not ashamed of Jesus Christ...

I AM A CHRISTIAN!

However i am ashamed of other Christians.


I have heard this quote used for street evanglizem.. and to promote the attitudes just seen but really think about this "you might be the only Jesus they see". Do you want people to see a Jesus thats says "You commit <"insert sin or sins> you suck and will burn in hell if you dont get saved" or a Jesus that says "Hey you... i love you." So what if someone had an abortion, so what if this person is gay..... When did Jesus say we stoped loving people... and dont give me that "hate the sin, love the sinner" crap.... loving the sinner might mean correction but thats not how it works. You cant treat someone without knowing whats wrong with them.


*deep long sigh*

ok im done

17 days, 12 months ^_^

So things have been intresting.

Wednesday I had a long painful conversation with a friend (which wasnt totally resolved.. i HATE leaving things unresolved). Thursday i left for grandad's house.

Friday was amazing cause i saw Laura and Vickie! The next day i met Mouse's family. I spent a good part of the day with them. The Rehersal was awesome, and then sunday finally arrived. I walked to campus and went to church. After wards i got a ride back to the house from Paul. Then.... WEDDING!!!!!!! well almost. at 12:30 we all got together and got all dolled up. THEN we got started. IT was great. the pictures were fun! and then food and such... after that i just goofed off. had fun with Katelyn and Eli.... then monday hung out with Katelyn untill we went back to grandads. Yesterday (tue) we came home.

The bright part of my day was the fact i got to work things out with the other friend. It was cool cause i got to stay up late and chat.. which dosent really happen much.

52+6=?

So what can i say?


I have been stuck between what is right and what i want before. It's not easy to make that choice. I did though. It really wasn't MY place to say or do anything, but i couldn't ask him... so i did what i thought was best. I could hear it in his voice... I might as well of smacked him, or kicked him in the gut. Maybe because he knew better, cause he knew it was his fault.

I know i was right but this whole thing has only agrivated my paranoia. OK so things are better, sure. But i still fight the doubt in my mind every day. The uncertainties... the what-ifs.


I have time... I wont rush into things... i refuse to. i cant.


I wish my heart would just wait for me.

60 weeks

Why do i get myself into bad situations?

Why do i trust so easily.

Why don't i listen to the voice that says "if its too good to be true, it probably is"


Why can't life be easier. Its not like i want it to be without any problems or complications, just fewer.



Why is it so wrong to want to be loved?



What you don't know CAN hurt you.... espcially when the unknown is a why.

tomorrow is here.

I know you say you dont remember but you did tell me not to worry. That we'd worry about "tomorrow" when it got here... well here we are. Did you lie? Did you mean anything you said? Where you just upset and needed someone to screw? What part did i play in this? Was I the other women? How could i ever believe you? I guess it dosent matter, because your done with me, we are through and somehow i knew it would end this way.... the sun would set and tomorrow would come and you'd want nothing to do with me. THIS is why i didnt give in, did let myself go.... why i couldnt have sex with you.... maybe im being over dramatic but you never talk to me anymore, and have cut me out of your life, so what else can i think but you have finally gotten sick of me (so much for your promise to say bye first).

only the last part seems to fit but maybe one day maybe it all will.

"You never call me when you're sober...
You only want it cause it's over...
Oh it's over!

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I? You were never mine!"

welp i just proved...

... i am the stupidest bitch that ever lived.....




Now i remember why i stoped breaking my promises... I trust too much.


Trust she wouldnt tell...


Trust if she did, the other she wouldnt care at this point....



But i was sooooooo wrong. She told, and it got around... and yes.. SHE cares..... and so HE knows i told and i ws gonna be the better friend and not say but to hell with this friendship.... she wants to be egocentric and think its all about her fine i will let it be all about her.

and i have lost two friendships.... because i thought she should know....

scilenced voice

I will remember his laugh....

His sense of humor...

His random deep thoughts....

The way he said "your insinuating that i have the constitution of a girl" when i got tipsy from two sips of his wisky. (hey they were big sips and i haddnt eatten in hours.


His highjinks in D and D, and the way you just KNEW he was gonna say '20'


farewell Adon! You will be missed greatly.

Moving on?

I have been working for the public library for just over a month now, and i have had the plesure of getting my hands on a butt load of books and no fines (yay) Some of them have dealt with things i should have dealt with by now, probably. One thing that has stuck in my head is a very simple thing, i know i have to let him go. In a book i read a few weeks ago a young girl died and her friends were dealing with it, one guy told the main character "you didnt have a monopoly on loving her". Simple but true, i am not the only one who loves him (if that is what i feel rather than a form of lust). I need to acknowledge that maybe she dose love him, maybe she is not just using him.

That is just one of many things bouncing in my head. Among them is also how to not fall for someone else in the process. I would prefer to not, especially when viewing my options (which i will not discuss in a public venue).