last one picked nothing... still waiting to be picked

i remember the first.... he was adorable, kind, and always smilled. My parents loved him, he was the perfect guy. She had red hair, was also sweet and so far above me there was no way to compete. For a short time i thought i had a chance... but no. Not compared to her. Most of my life i was asked by others "why cant you be more like Amy?" I so wanted to be her... if only to be loved.

Then there was the other guy... I liked him better with long hair. He was not really all that pleasant. But i fell anyways. She also had red hair but what is more she was sweet, kind, had good taste in music, and was an artist. After they met i didnt have a chance in hell.

Now again... i can say... he is a ass... but a very amazing ass. She dosent have red hair.. but she will "please" him. So she wins. He has given her his heart and that means i lose again. Three times i get there just too late! I must say though this is the first time i lost to someone i really didnt like, or atlest get along with. i mean i can look at the red heads and see... yeah they kick ass.. i am nothing compared to them... but her... to tell myself that she is better than me. That i deserve to lose to her... I know i shouldnt compare myself to others but tell me, would you do anything differently? im not what he wants.... i cant blame anyone for that.. i know... but i just.... i dont like her... and he loves her... and if she is sooooo much better than i. how am i suppose to feel about myself?



Am i just basing my self worth on how he sees me?


IF the person you loved, or cared deeply for, loved someone you didnt like.. how would you handle it? wouldnt you start to question? Its late and i shouldnt think when its this late. I end up being too emo.

five seconds...

I just stood there staring at the screen in disbelief. Not sure what to say or think or anything. My heart stopped (which was a feat since the base line of the music tryed to make it go faster). The funny thing is im not too worried about him. I know he is a strong person and will fight. He is in God's hands and regardless of the outcome he wins. It was the sender of the txt i worry about. As the owner of the phone moved the screen out of my vision to reply to the txt all became clear.. why he tryed calling Dustin... why we couldn't understand him.... I said a prayer and got back to the band... but my mind never really left that five second period where i just stood there.

Collecting the broken pieces.

Life is?? Confusing.


I have to work in the morning and i dont have my phone.... as separat as these things might be i can explain. I got a ride from a friend today, but i believe my phone is in his car. Another person (one i work with) is suppose to pick me up tomorrow, and he said he'd call when he arrived. not possible if my phone is in someone elses car. *gah* not to meantion my alarm is set for the morning and i kinda want to get up on time :( sad day... i NEED to see if i can get the phone back tonight.


*sigh* my job is killing me. I am so stressed out and it is just taking so much out of me. Not demanding, but i feel like i cant breathe. Maybe that is normal, but i dont think so.


Friendships are hurting too. One is in a certain mood that always bugs me. and another is pushing away. I know he fears getting hurt but i havent hurt him yet. So why, if nothing changes between us, would i start? Maybe he knows something i dont. Also he is in so much pain, and i know keeping everything in will NOT be good for him. He needs to let it out. I bottle most things up but if i dont let it out i implode. Thats what will happen to him if he doesn't... but maybe i worry too much.