it's time to face the truth.... i'll never be with you.

emo post #2367248935903485982437189658427493570493


I can see so many things now, and i dont like any of them.


I am acting just like him, aren't i? I am letting him string me along for the simple fact that maybe, we have a possible future together. Even though i know he dosen't want me (and maybe part of me thinks it isn't possible for him to ever want me, but thats a different post topic). I just let him pull me along on this leash, as it kills me inside. Slowly dying because you can keep giving without getting. This is at lest how i perceive what is going on with us and him and his lover.

< By the way... if you think you know who it is i talk about on here, don't say anything to him. He asked me not to tell mutual friends about the following, and technically i haven't i just needed to post my thoughts somewhere he wouldn't see .>

Also, a couple of weeks ago... things happened that shouldn't have. I listen to lies, all of them. Not just the verbal one, or the implications of "this is my new happy place". but the ones that i found in his kisses, in the way he touched me. But the way i see it is that wasn't really him (this he has said as well). So it was all a lie, just fancy words and moves to get his smashed ass laid (it didn't work, no worries). But as for me? That wasn't me either, was it? Am i really just girl who will just lay there and let him touch me, and leave rather nice sized hickies? (hey they there on his neck for a solid week.) (<---see what i mean.. for some reason the fact i left him hickies that lasted that long makes me happy....why? shouldn't i be ashamed?)

What the @%&$ is wrong with me?


People ask me if i am ok, i tell them i will be... but sometimes i doubt it. Very highschoolish i know, things seem so screwed up that i will never be ok again. I don't think i will ever be able to give my husband a full heart. IT has been so broken, and instead of holding on to the pieces i give them away like free samples. I am greatful (in hindsight) to those who never took them, just accepted my friendship. At lest i don't have to worry about our friendship down the line.


This was longer than i meant for it to be... apologizes, i must go now *Bows* farewell.